Firstly I’m pleased to be able to report that Gilbert has been found safe and sound, and returned to his owners. Gilbert? Who he?  Strange to relate he’s a lifesize fibreglass zebra. His role in life was to promote wildlife conservation at Marwell Zoo in Hampshire. Some hoodlums half-inched him, and there was much tearing of hair and rending of cloth.

But happy days are here again. Gilbert was discovered in a garden on Sunday, after nearly a week AWOL. Police are investigating.

I’m at a bit of a loss to work out how a lifesize zebra can be discovered. It’s not likely to go unnoticed for any length of time, surely? Not in Hampshire. Somebody would be round banging on your door to complain in about five minutes flat.

Now some really striking news, haha. Those of you who aren’t Brits may be unaware that there are some running repairs required on the Elizabeth Clock Tower on the Houses of Parliament. The tower has been there since 1859, and both the building and itself and the famous bell, Big Ben, are in need of some TLC. Some of the work will be on the bearings that support the bell. This is a good idea, since if that falls down the tower somebody could get a nasty flesh wound.

Now the best bit. Horologists the world over must be leaping up and doing fistpumps at the news that the entire several months of work will be the subject of live streaming. Yes, they’ll be able to watch men in aprons carrying out repairs in real time, 24 hours a day. Be still my beating heart.

Sadly, the work will be carried out over a period of about three years, so when there’s no work being done the clockwatchers will be fretting like people waiting for the next series of Game of Thrones.

Now another oddity. Some whizzkid reckons that the mass introduction of driverless cars might lead to a massive increase in the number of car journeys. Make something easy to use, people will use it Then he made a bit of a bish, because I’m pretty sure this won’t happen. He suggested that parents would send their little cherubs to and from school and games matches in driverless cars. Really? Would any parent do that? I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t.

On the subject of car journeys I met a woman who, when driving, refuses to use any route that requires her to negotiate a roundabout unless it simply requires taking the first exit. She’d last about 30 seconds in Milton Keynes or Stevenage.

Lastly, the idiot head of the company that left the fake bomb behind at United’s ground after a training exercise thinks the club overreacted when the ground was evacuated. There’s an awkward question over various aspects of competence that you can be so much of a f****** as to forget a fake bomb and nobody back at the ranch does a stocktake and goes, ‘Hang on. Aren’t we a bomb short?’

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