Things are getting out of hand on the clean eating front. Jasmine and Melissa Hemsley, who seem to be just as loopy as Gwyneth Paltrow, keep popping up being more and more ridiculous. Now there may be some shred of foundation in the concept of clean eating. There may be. But there’s no hard evidence. I get the urge to go and find these two women, knock their heads together, and yell at them.

‘Listen! You can eat clean all you want, you can drink lots of water, get enough sleep, be mindful. All that stuff. You’re still going to die!’

Here’s their latest wheeze. Making breakfast with astrologically farmed eggs. Well, near enough. The eggs were laid by chickens to be biodynamic.

‘What are biodynamic eggs?’ I hear you ask? I’m sure you’re gripped with curiosity.

The chickens are fed on stuff that’s organically farmed. All well and good, though I’m still not convinced. But, here’s the real deal breaker. The crops are planted at times determined by astrology. Yes, you heard me.

Apparently this load of old twaddle was first ‘developed’, in the loosest sense of the word, by one Dr Rudolf Steiner back in the 1920s. You decide what to plant, and what time to plant, according to astrological principles.

Let’s hear now from Daniel Oeberichts, who runs Orchard Eggs. You may want to take a deep breath before you start.

‘It’s about the constellation of the Moon and other planets – the tides of the sea are guided by the force of the moon – other planets have forces too and the majority of plants are water based.’

You’ll be ahead of me on the objections to this as an idea, not least because all plants are water based, so he’s not even got that bit of basic information right. But it gets better if you go to the website

http://myorchardeggs.co.uk/

Lots of worthy blather about how the plant and animal matter used as fertiliser is made on organic principles. With me so far?

‘They are incredibly effective as they work not only with physical matter, but with the forces of nature and manage to pass on the vitality of our land all the way through the food chain, making Orchard Eggs a source of vital energy that feeds your body and soul!’

And I thought PETA were mad for telling me what vegetables I should eat according to my star sign.

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