Largs. Never been there, so it’s out of the equation, but it sounds like a disease in cattle. It’s in Scotland. I like Scotland, as I think I may have mentioned. But Largs is long way from f****** anywhere.

Lerwick. In the Shetlands. Even further from f****** anywhere. Actually nearer Norway than to mainland Britain, but it’s a close call. I have never been to Lerwick either, so it too is spared.

But see Llangollen below.

Launceston

A bit like Lerwick, in that it’s bloody miles from anywhere. But that’s not a valid reason to damn the place. I simply don’t like the town for some reason. As my American friends say, ‘It is what it is.’ Gotta love the Yanks

Leamington Spa

Sounds quite lovely, and is a complete pit. And it’s not far from Birmingham. Or Leicester, as it happens. That’s all bad news. Impressive railway viaduct. That’s the best I can think of

Leicester

The footie team may have won the League Cup just one year after facing relegation, it may be the most culturally and linguistically diverse city in England, it may be home to the biggest concentration of Indian jewellery shops outside India, there’s a huge number of really good ethnic restaurants (good news), property is relatively affordable. You’d still have to pay me to live there. It’s very close to Birmingham. Double whammy

Liverpool

I cannot tell you how many criminal stereotypes there are about scousers. I have a scouser mate. The stereotypes are all true

Llangollen

In Wales. Miles from f****** anywhere. However, the run-in over the Sychnant Pass is a good place to play at automotive hooligans. A friend of mine and I once were tearing down there, caught a sparrow napping, and we clonked said avian. It died a noble death; its beak went through the radiator core, and we limped into town in a cloud of steam.

London

No, I do not want to live there. I do not want to live in London. All the beardy gluten-free hipsters would make me consider homicide. I’d become like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. ‘I’m really quite dangerous right now.’ If you want to live there, and don’t already do so, you’re quite, quite mad. Seek professional help. Urgently

Luton

There are no words to describe Luton that are not expletives. It’s not quite as bad as Harlow, but it’s nip and tuck. Luton doesn’t even have the attractive bit near the fishponds. But Harlow still tops my Nope List

Lyndhurst

Pretty. And pretty up itself. No. Change that thought. Very up itself. Full of stockbrokers and bankers

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