Classic ‘Miles from bloody anywhere’ town in the middle of bloody nowhere in Wales


I was born not eight miles away. I used to like it. My home patch. Now? Very much up itself, with a huge and thriving hipster population. More facial hair and shaven heads than you can shake a stick at, and far too many twatty vapers


In Yorkshire, so already going wrong. It’s also in the middle of sodding nowhere, though within striking distance of Huddersfield, a much underrated city, despite being the wrong side of the Pennines. My sister lived in Marsden for a goodly time, and the newsagent insisted on keeping her copy of Cosmopolitan under the counter.

Melton Mowbray

It’s quite nice, but it disappointed me bitterly when I went there. I expected the gutters to be running with the blook from pork pies, and toffs in toppers tipping the peasants a groat for pulling an all-nighter in the slaughterhouse. If you’re not a Brit, you may not get the reference


Near Doncaster. There was a catastrophic explosion and fire at a chemical works there back in the 70s, and sadly it hasn’t really recovered


No. NO. NO. NO. NO. The best bit is the transporter bridge across the Tees that allows a quick through route and hence getaway. To be fair, going on the transporter bridge is fun. About as good as it gets there

Milton Keynes

My mate Kev thinks this place is actually called Milton F****** Keynes, but that the full name made the roadsigns a bit cumbersome. So many roundabouts your car passengers will succumb to motion sickness like trainee fighter pilots. Famed for its concrete cows

Moss Side

Part of Manchester. Suitable attire is bling, a pit bull, and an assault rifle. It’s actually quite interesting if you go with an armed escort



Also one of the rougher bits of Manchester. One of the much rougher bits