This goes back a while, so is an oldie but a goodie


I quite like some board games. I’m a wizard at Cluedo. I never lose. People think I cheat, but I don’t. You just have to be logical in the way you approach it.

Trivial Pursuit? I have a y chromosome, so of course am a compulsive collector, and I compulsively collect trivial information. That’s how I know that polar bear liver is toxic When I played Trivial Pursuit a lot, I had to not only get to the middle to win, I was forced by the other players to come back out again and get rid of all my wedges before going back to the middle. I still won. The only times that I stalled were on the Sports questions. I’m crap at Sports, and my knowledge is sketchy. Apart from that, I’m a bit of a polymath.

There are some board games I loathe and detest. Monopoly for one. There’s a small joke there if you look hard enough. Has anybody in the world ever actually completed a game of Monopoly? Oh you have, have you? A question for you then. Why? Go on, justify yourself. I’m all ears, as any decent photograph of me will confirm. Monopoly is one of the most tedious games ever invented. I’d rather watch paint dry than play Monopoly. It’s so boring, it’s almost aggressive. It’s the board game equivalent of a small spoilt child.

‘Me! Me! Look at me! See how clever I am!’

‘Bugger off you little brat, before I feed you to the bears.’

Monopoly is a bored game.

However, in terms of sheer mind-numbing, tooth-grinding, self-euthanising tedium, Monopoly is completely outgunned by another game. I refer of course to the übermeister of bored games, to wit, Snakes and Ladders. What bloody sadistic nutjob invented this? I want to know, so I can go round, beat him to death, and set fire to his house, dancing round the flames singing ‘Happy days are here again.’ No fate is too hideous for this maniac.

Just how many times can a grown adult tolerate the awful realisation that you’re going to land on the bastard square just before ‘Home’ and slide down that bastard snake? Again. And again. And again. It’s cruel and unusual punishment according to the UN guidelines.

Continents crash into each other faster than a game of Snakes and Ladders. If you find the breakneck pace of chess too exciting, take up Snakes and Ladders. And buy a new pack of razorblades for when it all becomes too much to bear.