I was half tempted by Newcastle, but despite some bad bits I rather like it. And the geordies are hospitality itself. Plenty of other places to vent my spleen about, though.


It’s in Cheshire, and was the hometown of one of my favourite bands, The Charlatans. Despite those two things going for it, it’s awful


Part of London that is every bit as horrible as its name suggests. It’s the place that writers base sitcoms if they can’t think of any jokes

Newport Pagnell

Used to be the home of Aston Martin, which meant you had to keep a sharp eye on your mirrors, since the test drivers appeared to own the road. Not far from Milton Keynes, which speaks volumes.


Surf City UK. Surfers are second only to scuba diving instructors in their arrogance, and so make unpleasant what is a nice little port town

Newton le Willows

Urban sprawl in Merseyside. Ugly church, ugly town hall. Best avoided


Desperately dull. There’s a factory on the outskirts that makes the countryside smell bad for miles around. Very bad


A pit of a place. Not as bad as Bracknell, but it’s not far off in a literal or metaphorical sense. One of my bolshiest and unpleasant clients was based there


Hard to know where to start. I don’t think I can be bothered to be exhaustive


Because I lived there for several years and liked it a lot, so I can’t go back. Sad, but there it is. My mate Kev wanted this Fine City, as it says on the roadsigns, included because of the ‘bastard of a one-way system,’ so he’ll be happy


The town centre is an unpleasant mix of Victorian ‘Bugger off we’re here to stay’ school of architecture, and 60s era neo-brutalism. Prone to flooding