You may recollect my post from earlier this year about the noble art of talking bollocks, and the three basic categories: Amiable; Pretentious; and Complete or Arrant.

https://nobodysreadingme.wordpress.com/2015/02/18/how-to-talk-bollocks/

I spent some time on Saturday talking Amiable bollocks with a couple of acquaintances of mine, who had never heard the concept before. I berated them for not reading my blog, then we got down to business.

We worked on a few subcategories. One favourite idea was a subdivision of Complete bollocks, which is Weegie bollocks. In this, you get racist bollocks yelled at you in an impenetrable Glasgow accent at extreme volume, by a bollocks maestro with no concept of your personal space, and who is unaware or doesn’t care he’s spitting in your face. You can’t say anything for fear of the dreaded Glasgow kiss.

Then we started to stray into uncharted territory. I suggested we need a phone app, and one of the others suggested you should be able to scan a room or bar and identify the heavy duty bollocks agents. This met with approval.

Then I had another thought. When you’re talking bollocks, there must be some physiological markers. Maybe what we need is some kind of FitBit device so you can check your bollocks levels and adjust accordingly.

Then, somebody else came up with the best idea yet. You could, using a FitBit device, turn it into a competitive sport. You have screens around the bar, picking up signals via the wi-fi, and the resultant aggregate scores for each particular table could be displayed as bar charts. Think of it as a sort of instant update Excel data display.

I’m trying to think of how to structure the reward/penalty system, but in any case it would be nice to roll into somewhere unfamiliar and be able to spot the people to avoid, wouldn’t it?

Incidentally, my mate who got barred from the pub just before Christmas for being too boring? He has not been seen since.

 

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