If you are not a teetotaller, you’ll be aware that you can do stupid stuff when you’re off your face. If you’re a drinker, you’ll know from bitter experience how badly things can go wrong, and just how much of a prat you can make of yourself.

Teetotallers laugh at us. Well, let them. Because they are denied the surreal hinterland, the alternative reality of the truly drunk. I do not recommend getting bollocksed drunk. It’s not big and it’s not clever, and it’s definitely not for everybody. But hell, it can be fun. And very funny. Sometimes things happen that make hardened even drinkers go, ‘You did what?’

I have asked myself this about my own behaviour. I can be a bad lad now and then. Yet sometimes, the world offers you something special.

I give you my acquaintance S. Not for him the modern day electronic stupidity of an FB update or email you later regret.

He went out on the lash with a bunch of lads. These things happen. You go out, get pissed, kebab/curry, few more when you get back to home base. That’s a boy thing.

Also a boy thing is to do stupid stuff, and he went for it. He turned it up to 11. Despite my probing about the reason for what he did, all he could tell me was, ‘You know how it is.’

Here’s what happened. He returned to the house of one of his drinking partners to spend the night. So far so good. However, that’s when it all got out of hand.

S decided it would be a really good idea to put a cactus in the microwave oven. It was apparently a substantial plant, almost as tall as the inside of the oven.

Now as you know, cacti are very very good at storing water, and water is very very good at absorbing microwaves. This plant soaked up the rays, the water heated up, and as the internal pressure increased the cactus threw in the towel and exploded. The resultant bang was sufficiently loud to awaken the parents of his friend, who had been upstairs, peacefully sleeping the sleep of the just.

The mother thought the whole thing hugely funny. Dad, whose cactus it was, was less sanguine…

cactus

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