I was a bit spoilt for choice here. Stonehaven is a lovely little harbour town on Scotland’s east coast. I took it out of the equation. You have to like the place where the deep fried Mars Bar came to life. I have been to the very chip shop. But hellfire, get a decent easterly and there are waves the size of supertankers smashing onto the seawall, and deluging the town in spume.

Salisbury is nice too, but full of grockles like me for six months of the year.

Sevenoaks, despite being in Kent, is OK. Sort of.

Enough procrastination. Here I go. The works of satanic forces on the Treasured Land.

Salford

The downmarket smaller brother of Manchester. Very downmarket, though as with Manchester the hipsters are moving in. The place where the council tried to ban swearing in certain bits of it

Sandwich

The old town is a delight, cobbles, still has gaslights in the old alleys. But nope. Not live there. Arse end of nowhere, and since Pfizer moved out, The End.

Scarborough

I really like the place, spent many happy times there with good friends. I don’t want to live there

Scunthorpe

Every bit as hideous as it sounds. There is a really offensive joke about the name of the place

Sidcup

Terrible

Sleaford

In Lincolnshire, so hence miles from bloody anywhere. Dreary

Slough

Indefensible

Southend

Great for a fun day out. My wife and I made a habit of going there on New Year’s Day. Fish and chips, slot machines, then go away home

Southport

On the Fylde Coast. Not as tawdry and fun as Blackpool, not as elegant and sedate as Lytham Saint Annes. Turn up on a coach trip, the driver will tell you to keep moving as they’re stocktaking. Watch out for the tide. It comes in at a ferocious pace

Staines

Another west London dumping ground for excess fuel from aeroplanes on final approach to Heathrow

Stevenage

As many roundabouts as Milton Keynes. Awful

Stockport

As hideous as Leamington Spa. As with the spa, it has a spectacular railway viaduct. That’s it

Stoke on Trent

Bugger me. Best thing to do is drive past as quickly as you can. Home of Lemmy. Slash was born in Hampstead but raised in Stoke a couple of streets down from Mr Kilminster. Neither could wait to get out and relocate to LA. I can’t fault the logic

Stroud

A midden

Sunderland

Another midden

Swindon

The Old Town is OKish, the new bits are hideous. Twinned, believe it or not, with Disneyworld. I once blagged us into a nightclub in Swindon because the doorman was so thick he thought I was Graham Souness.

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