Some more pet-based idiocy. We had cat wine yesterday, now a canine revolution that nobody needs. I lifted this story from the Mail on Sunday, so I advise caution. They are only now ‘breaking’ the non-story of Hillary’s private email server, and that whole issue got sorted out weeks ago, much to the dismay of the Goptards.

Let me introduce to you Ilyena Hirskyj-Douglas. Crazy name, crazy gal. She’s a PhD researcher at the University of Central Lancashire, and clearly has a bit too much time on her hands. She also operates in a field I’m not even sure we need, to wit animal computer design. Yes, I know, I know.

She’s been collaborating with a pet company called, indefensibly, Wagg. For some unfathomable reason, they’ve come up with a new remote control for your television. One designed for dogs.

The device is a large mat, with big controls in contrasting colours to help the dog see. It’s coated in chew-proof plastic so yer dawg dunt gnaw through the wires. It’s currently being tested by a panel of 20 owners and their dogs. It should hit the markets next year at a cool 50 quid.

Listen to this bit of drivel from Dan Reeves of Wagg. ‘Dogs are a key part of family life, so why shouldn’t they get to choose what to watch on TV every now and then, just like the rest of us?’

My initial reaction of course was to yell at the newspaper, ‘Because it’s a f****** DOG, you dunderhead! That’s why!’ I suppressed the urge.

Then an extra helping of drivel from Ms Hirskyj-Douglas, who appears to have more than a few bats in her personal belfry. ‘This works towards the overall aim of dog technology (sic) to provide enrichment and improve their welfare.’

Just what is that supposed to mean? The way to improve a dog’s welfare is not to slob out on the couch in front of the television, but take the mutt for a good long walk and throw some sticks for it, surely? Let the thing loose on the remote you’ll end up watching reruns of Lassie and 24 hour a day coverage of Crufts.