I have told you before about my casual and occasional irritation with Mumsnet. It’s a luvvy high-five website for middle class mothers saying how great they are as mothers. The members are relentlessly critical of mothers who don’t subscribe to their own views of what is the ‘right’ way to bring up children.

Mumsnet went into overdrive this week, shortly after the schoolgate bullying subject I covered earlier. Horrible behaviour came about.

I have nothing personal against Victoria Beckham. I’m not interested in her, but she was a Spice Girl (hmm, I may have something against her, come to think of it), married an extremely talented footballer. Yes I did use the words ‘extremely talented’ in the same sentence as ‘footballer’. They had some children, and appear to be exemplary parents in pretty much every way.

Mumsnet disagrees. Posh, as she used to be referred to, is a bit ‘creepy.’ She’s ‘unnatural.’

Her crime? She Instagrammed a shot of her kissing her daughter Harper. No sweat, eh? WRONG! Ms Beckham kissed her daughter on the lips. Shock horror!

This is apparently ‘inappropriate,’ according to some f******ted psychologist who got wheeled out. ‘When you kiss your child on the lips, where does it stop? Children thrive on being touched on their forehead, cheeks or hands.’

I don’t know about you, but I’ve kissed all those areas in the foreplay to making love, but never as foreplay with a baby or child. Where would this f*****t psychologist have us stop?

I’d not let her near me, I can assure you. Nor any member of my family. She’s obsessed.

Back to Mumsnet. ‘Weird’? ‘ ‘Not natural’? Gimme a break. One of the reasons I knew how lipstick tasted was from my mum kissing me. And her friends.

Apparently, this lip-kissing lark would not be appropriate if the child had been a boy, but it might be OK since this was a little girl. More self-contradictory psychobabble.

I’d like to talk to the critics. Here are some things I would ask.

‘Ever made farty noises in your baby’s navel by kissing it and blowing through your lips?’

(This is an activity that’s prevalent in television advertising.)

‘Ever kissed your baby’s bottom, just because it delighted you and you wanted to, ignoring what your child thought about it?’

(Also seen in television advertising.)

‘Ever mock eaten your child’s toes?’

(Yes, that appears too.)

‘Ever poked your tongue into your child’s ear to make him or her laugh as it tickled?’

(We’ve all done that.)

‘Were any of these actions sexualised, or just fun, a way of bonding?’

‘They were just a bit of fun, you idiot!’

The UK’s in a political tailspin, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is a mum kissing her daughter in an ‘inappropriate’ way.

Pick the bones out of that.

Meanwhile we have a toilet paper manufacturer asking 8 and 9 year olds how clean they feel after using their particular brand of arsewipe, nappy ads concentrating on babies’ nether regions…

FFS.

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