Sorry, but once again it’s time for me to lambast the Daily Mail.

The world is going to hell in a handcart. There’s an orange man with stupid hair running for the White House. He’s stupid too, though not unintelligent. His running mate is as mad as a box of frogs, worried that when women menstruate they may be losing a viable blastocyte, and that amounts to abortion that should be recorded. I didn’t make that up.

Turkey’s under lockdown, people are being arrested, sacked, suspended from jobs, because the imams and their lapdog Erdogan want to desecularise the country. If you’re an academic in the country, your right to foreign travel has been suspended indefinitely. If you’re a foreign resident, don’t expect a resident’s visa renewal any time soon.

Some guy in India kills a female blogger in an ‘honour killing,’ says he has no qualms about admitting it.

Nice. Orlando. Syria. Iraq.

Lots of crap things going on right now.

Not according to the Daily Mail. Wednesday’s page 3 (I know you know this, but I’ll tell you again, the page that has the highest traffic in any paper) was dedicated to an engagement ring. It was a hideous, gaudy, ostentatious engagement ring, costing an estimated 200,000 quid. That’s a lot of moolah.

The recipient of this piece of tasteless bling? None other than Pippa Middleton. Now I have to say I’ve heard of her, since last year she produced a much-mocked book of party tips. You know, ‘If you’re serving soup you’ll need bowls or mugs.’ That kind of thing.

She’s also the sister of the Duchess of Cambridge, the fragrant Katherine Windsor. This means that Pippa, she of the daft name and much photographed arse, is famous just for being the sibling of the mother the third and fourth in line to the English throne. Despite being famous only for being famous, her engagement ring warrants a whole page in a national newspaper.

Another minor royal popped up in an eightpage pullout photo-supplement in the same edition. Now I’d never heard of this one, so she must be really minor, but the Mail finds Mia Tindall ‘irresistible.’ I have to say I don’t, but I’m not the target demographic, am I?

Now you may well be asking, as I did, ‘Who the hell is Mia Tindall?’ When I tell you may not be any the wiser. Mia is the only daughter of her mum, Zara, and her then-husband, Mark ‘Foggie’ Phillips. But who is Zara? Well, zoot alors! She’s the daughter of Anne, the Princess Royal.

Welcome to the distorted world of the Daily Mail reader.

Oh, nearly forgot. It’s also important to know that Prince George, who is three years old today, got a £300 train set, and an 1800 quid bolonka zwetka puppy.