More geographical high jinks. Wem beckoned, but sadly I’ve never been there, but being in Shropshire it’s bloody miles from anywhere. My mate Kev put in a spirited bid for Whitstable, but I vetoed it on the grounds I quite like it.

There might also be some comedic potential in being able to say you live in Wetwang. It exists. It’s near Driffield.

Now, down to brass tacks.

Wales. All of Wales.

Just kidding. Well, yes and no. It’s an extraordinarily beautiful country. But I don’t want to live there. Everywhere in Wales is sodding miles from everywhere else. But it is majestically gorgeous




Pretty enough in an Oxfordshire sort of way, but a Mecca for BBC bigwigs and assorted doublehomers


Kill me now

Welwyn Garden City

Dunno where they got the Garden idea from. Welwyn Midden City would perhaps be more appropriate

West Bromwich

Another place in the West Midlands where I don’t want to live, like Wolverhampton

West Drayton

Yet another place on the flightpath to Heathrow so you get dowsed in kerosene while you sit in the garden being deafened


You can’t chuck a rock without hitting a floppy haired Premier League footballer or one of the WAGs


The only thing going for it, pretty much, is that it’s twinned with Ankh Morpork. I think that’s a bit pretentious


About equidistant from Oswestry, Shrewsbury, and Telford. That’s all you need to know


Rapidly evolving in Hipster Central. There’s a branch of Cereal Killer there. Enough said


A smaller Birmingham. Nice people, but an ugly place


It’s not a bad place, even though it’s in Wales, but I just don’t feel comfortable there. It’s a bit like Chester to look at


Tiny little place a long way from anywhere since it’s in Lincolnshire. I can’t even recollect why I was there