Once again I am in debt to the admirable Caitlin Moran for alerting me to this splendid piece of West Coast first world tomfoolery, and indeed for introducing me to the existence of Father John Mistry. I’d never heard of him, but I think I’d like him if I met him
He’s a singer/songwriter, not a category of person that often excites my admiration. However, he stood accused of stealing from the Echo Park Moon Juice Bar in San Francisco. His going to an establishment with such a poncey name would ordinarily have biased me against him, but the fact he grabbed a crystal of some sort redeemed him in my eyes.
He went up further in my estimation when bar owner Amanda Chantal Bacon (no comment) Instagrammed him with a ‘You do not want the negative energy of a stolen crystal, please trust me!’ and he decided to debunk this part time mystic.
‘To claim that something has been ‘stolen’ is in itself a tacit endorsement of the capitalist values that blended superfoods and locally sourced produce stands, ironically, in direct opposition to.’
So far so good. Then he really goes for the kill with a remarkably good pisstake of New Age hippiedom.
‘While I empathise with your loss, I believe that there is a larger lesson to be gleaned from this experience; namely that material goods, no matter how sacred, will come and go from your life. As a practising Buddhist, I can only advise you and try to remember that the crystal is only a random phenomena (he blotted his copybook a bit there), and if it happens to find its way into my pocket, and that pocket happens to leave your store creating some ownership/theft/possession narrative will only cause you more pain, as you will be attempting to find significance where there is none.’
The coup de grace consists of telling the owner it’s a crap overpriced place.
‘You’re smoothies are inconsistent to say the least, but largely impossible to steal, so that is an injustice I must face and accept with an open heart, knowing that each watery sip is an invaluable teaching moment.’
An object lesson in saying ‘F*** you!’ in the politest possible way.