This was prompted by those photos that are zooming around Facebook of bottles labelled ‘Fat Free Spring Water.’ I suspect they’re a spoof, albeit a clever one, but in an odd way, horribly plausible. But here are a few non-spoof foody things that are real, and major irritations.

In my local supermarket you can buy some things called ‘Spanish Flatbreads.’ Fine and dandy, a bit of variety in the bakery stakes. But, and it’s quite a big but. These delicacies aren’t just common-or-garden bits of plain (flat) breads. Oh my word no.

They’re topped with tomatoes, red peppers, onion, and cheese. The packaging gives instructions on how to bake them in the oven. Is it just me, or is this how you make and cook what we call pizzas? What is the critical difference?

You can probably guess, but I’ll tell you. The Spanish Flatbreads come at £1.25 a pop. Next aisle down, a slightly bigger pizza is a mere 75p.

Now the misnomer that is ‘Courgette Spaghetti.’ Italian spaghetti is made with durum wheat, but in other places it may be made with other different flours. However, spaghetti is made with flour. You can’t make it with courgette.

What you can make with a courgette is some ludicrously overpriced thin ribbons of courgette. A pack of 500g of real spaghetti will set you back 79p. 225g of courgette not spaghetti will cost you a quid. Given that courgettes (zucchini if you’re of an American persuasion) are 95% water, you’re shelling out about five quid a litre for water. That’s expensive water (see above).

I did try this, when it was in the bargain bin. It tasted exactly like courgette.

Something else you can’t use to make spaghetti is carrot. As with courgette you can do some fancy spiralising, but you’ll end up with spiralised carrot, not spaghetti, again at a premium price. I’ve not tried this, but I’ll bet it tastes of carrot. I’ll bet Squash Spaghetti tastes like squash too.

If you don’t know what cous cous is, it’s made from coarsely ground wheat semolina. I don’t mind it. It’s a bit bland, but will absorb a lot of interesting flavours if used skilfully. But it is made from wheat. It is not made from cauliflower. You can buy or make ‘Cauliflower Cous Cous’. Except you can’t. You can buy or make finely grated cauliflower.

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