Don’t panic if you don’t live in Europe. I’ll get round to further flung places, including the US, at a later date. You have been warned.

Meanwhile, today Belgium gets some bad press, Switzerland takes it on the chin, France gets some stick it deserves, Italy takes a pounding…

Nobody is safe.

Antwerp

Despite the fact it’s in Belgium, it’s fun, but I wouldn’t want to live there. You need to keep your wits about you, since it’s Drug Smuggling Central

Auxerre

Pit of an industrial town in France. Apparently has a successful team of floppy haired playboy footballers

Basel

This is an appallingly dull city. Since it’s in Switzerland, the trams and trains run on time. There’s a building that houses the computer operation that processes every single bank transaction in the world. More graffiti than I expected

Beerse

Belgium is back again. Monumentally boring. Good food though

Brussels

The most awful European capital I can think of. The centre’s architecture is just about OK, but that’s it. If hookers are your thing, Brussels beckons. The city is also full of Eurocrats (which fact may explain the hookers), and hence massively expensive. The airport is possibly the worst I’ve had to spend time in

Copenhagen

It’s pretty. Supposedly the best city in the world to live and work. I was there one cold foggy November night, and the whole place seemed to be shut. Not for me

Dusseldorf

Germanically stolid, unattractive of aspect. They do have a yearly asparagus festival, though. Mind you, that means the whole place reeks of asparagus wee for days on end

Gothenburg

Architecturally not bad despite it being a major port, quite attractive because of the canals. Good food, great food actually. At a price, like all Scandinavia. If this city were a musician, it would be Phil Collins and proud of it.

Istanbul

Not a happy place right now, but that’s not why I wouldn’t want to live there. I’ve been twice, and it’s amazingly good fun. But just too frantic to live there

Malaga

I don’t want to spend my time throwing shagging 18/30 holidaymakers off my front step

Marbella

I don’t want to spend my time surrounded by has-been London gangsters

Milan

You have a wonderful opera house on your doorstep. You have lots of wonderful churches. You have the Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II, one of the oldest shopping arcades in the world, and so expensive it makes Rodeo Drive look like Walmart. All surrounded by what seems to be an infinite industrial estate. Don’t get stuck at Linate Airport on a national holiday

Ostend

Belgium again. And it’s a port

Paris

Most over-rated city I’ve ever been too. Hideously expensive, the natives are rude, and there seems to be a cultural aversion to the use of dogpoo bags

Rome

It’s another big city. Soulless. Jaw-droppingly expensive. The Colosseum isn’t as impressive as you expect

Rotkreuz

Small town in Switzerland that consists entirely of production plants for pharma giant Roche, and some dreary suburbs for the worker ants

Torremolinos

The rough bit of Malaga

Venice

Smelly, hot, crowded. If you don’t get mugged, bagsnatched, or pocketpicked, don’t worry. You can go to Piazza San Marco and get robbed blind legally, or mortgage your house and take a gondola ride

Wiesbaden

Smallish spa town in Germany where nothing happens unless you like losing your shirt in the casino, or getting off your face at the annual wine festival. I did feel the place redeemed itself slightly when in a very swanky restaurant (all polished wood, chandeliers, crystal glassware, string quartet in the corner) the special was sausage and mash

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