This week so far, we’ve had 96 killed in a bombing at a hospital, TFF suggesting that Clinton should be shot if she gets the presidency, and wall to wall coverage of the most overblown sporting event in the world.

On the considerable upside, Gorgeous George has been shown to be even more of a twat than even I thought. The Chinese company he so cannily got on board (read bribed) to build Hinkley Point has been accused of espionage, and the Chinese ambassador has shown what splendid partners they would be by blustering and out-and-out threats disruptions of Sino-Anglo relations if the nuclear white elephant doesn’t go ahead.

Now two stories that make the world seem a nicer place. The first concerns Montezuma. Not the 15th century Aztec emperor, but a 90 year old tortoise. Zuma, as he’s affectionately called by his owner, Sarah Joiner, went AWOL, getting stuck in a rubbish bag and hitching a ride on a council dustcart.

Realising what had happened, Ms Joiner called the council, who made sure the cart didn’t dump its load into the usual hopper. Instead workers carefully lined up the 1000 or so bags of rubbish, and helped the fearful owner to rummage for the testudinous escapee. They even employed heat sensing equipment. Why a city council has access to this is a bit of a mystery.

Two and a half hours later, Zuma was found in a bag, surrounded by some discarded flowers, and munching contentedly on some old lettuce leaves. All together now. Awwwwwww.

We turn now to Jeni Stepien, who got married recently. Her father Michael couldn’t walk her down the aisle to give her away, because he was murdered in 2003. She was given away by a man she’d never met until the day before the wedding, Arthur ‘Tom’ Thomas.

This is not as strange as it sounds at first, because Jeni and Tom had corresponded for years. Ever since Tom received Michael’s heart in a transplant operation. All together now. Awwwwwww.

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