I was talking to a mate the other day about the way that some people seem to have a brainectomy as they step through the door to a restaurant, or have a politeness bypass. Just for him, I’ve written a short test paper that will sort out the wheat from the chaff.

Believe it or not, all are derived from my own or friends’ experiences in eateries, even down to the really weird burger thing.

Your table is booked for 7:30. What time do you arrive?

  1. 7:25
  2. 7:45, but you’ve been delayed and you called to let them know
  3. 8:15 and kick up a stink because they’ve let your table go

You and your friends decide on a preprandial drink. When do you decide what you’re going to have?

  1. You always have the same so you already know
  2. You dither about undecided for two or three minutes and get irked when the barman serves somebody else while you vacillate
  3. You ask for the wine list even though the available wines are written in bloody great letters on the chalkboard behind the bar

Two of your party are having Guinness. When do they order this?

  1. Right at the start of the round, since it takes the best part of two minutes to pour a pint of the black stuff, and the barman can let the first half of each pint settle while he attends to the others
  2. When everybody else has got their drinks so they can harrumph at the delay
  3. Before they’ve noticed that the bar doesn’t stock Guinness

You order rare breed sausages. What do you think this term means?

  1. That you need to ask for them to be cooked properly because you don’t like rare sausages
  2. That the sausages are hard to get hold of
  3. That the sausages are made from pork from unusual breeds of pig

You order the gourmet cheese and bacon burger. What provisos do you make?

  1. Hold the pickle, please
  2. Hold the bacon, cheese, dressing, and the bun
  3. None

When do you tell the restaurant that you’re a strict vegan, gluten and lactose intolerant, and have a nut allergy?

  1. When you’re at the table looking at the menu
  2. When you arrive at the restaurant
  3. When you book you ask if they can accommodate your needs

You’re in a group of 35 people who’ve been booked in for weeks, and the menu has been decided already. At which point do you try to get your own meal changed?

  1. Before the date of the meal
  2. When you arrive
  3. When you’re all seated and the first courses are being served while the mains are close to being plated up

When do you tip?

  1. Never, the staff are paid to do a job
  2. Only if the waiter doesn’t have a foreign accent
  3. When the service has been good