Three not very closely related stories. The only common theme is food, but that’s about where it stops.

Firstly, there’s apparently a growing trend for wedding cakes these days to be made not of cake, but of cheese. This is (also apparently) a response to the ‘growing numbers’ of people with gluten intolerance. Since this group consists largely of the worried well with nothing wrong with them whatsoever, there seems to be a bit of an overreaction. Then there’s the lactose-intolerant brigade to be considered, and that opens a whole new can of worms on the fermented milk products front, though hard cheeses are essentially devoid of the stuff.

Another driver is that the happy couples have been brought up in an era of artisan foods, ie that they’re hipsters. That’s enough to drive you to hit the sherry and bubbly hard should you be asked to attend one of the estimated one in ten weddings where this tomfoolery occurs.

It’s also wasteful to make a ‘cake’ out of your cheeseboard. The real cake version of a cake will keep for years and may well reappear as a christening cake, while any buffet food is supposed to be consumed within four hours of leaving the fridge, though I’ve never seen that happen at a wedding. Police that one rigorously and most of the 15kg monster that Delilah Fine Foods recently created is going in the bin.

Change of tack now. Fish and chip shops are ‘being urged’ to reduce portion sizes in a bid to tackle obesity. This is as dumb an idea as the recent crackbrained scheme to force restaurants to cut fat, sugar, and portion sizes or be ‘named and shamed.’ Exactly how you enforce that is beyond me.

The thinking behind the chippie scheme is that according to ‘research,’ which is always fraught with danger, 45% of customers want to cut down on calories. Don’t go to the chippie seems to me to be a viable alternative.

Then we hit a paradox. Also according to this ‘research,’ a third of consumers said that smaller portions would encourage them to eat fish and chips more often. That defeats the whole object, doesn’t it?

Then we get to the sucker punch. A Terry Larkin (dodgy name, that), who is general manager of JJ Food Service, a supplier to over 1000 lard emporia across the UK, said, ‘Less chips (fewer, surely?), less waste, and more margin. Everyone’s a winner.’ That’s very philanthropic of you, Terry.

Lastly, another cheesy comestibles tale. To my horror, quark is becoming hip again. Back in the 90s you couldn’t watch a television chef without him/her raving on about this low fat stuff, which has a consistency midway between cottage cheese and ricotta that is just as horrid as it sounds. Things fall from culinary grace, and it went the same way that the recent wunderkinder, pomegranate seeds, have stopped appearing in every bloody recipe in the weekend supplements.

If they try to bring back mouli, I may just have to emigrate. That is truly disgusting.