My friends on Facebook routinely post those bloody quizzes where you ‘find out’ something about yourself that you didn’t know. Some are mildly amusing, others are a bit irritating, and some are just weird.

Here’s one I did a few days ago. ‘Which Marvel and DC superheroes are you made up of?’ This was a mildly intriguing idea, so I started and let the quiz access my public profile. Now, I wanted to get Spiderman for Marvel (Marvel always knocked DC into a cocked hat), and ideally Batman for the DC character, since Superman was such a loser. I’ve mentioned this before.

Well stap me vitals. I got Deadpool. Since this character wasn’t created till 1991 (I had to look that up), as far as I’m concerned he’s not a real Marvel character. Spidey, the Fantastic Four, The Incredible Hulk. They’re real Marvel characters, not the johnny-come-lately that is Deadpool.

Then things took a distinct turn for the worse. DC threw up Green Lantern, one of the most tedious characters ever. Why couldn’t I have at least been The Flash if I couldn’t be the scourge of Gotham City? Still, at least I wasn’t Robin.

Disturbingly, often when I play these bits of nonsense, I end up as female. Harry Potter characters? I’m a mix if Hermione Grainger and Luna Lovegood. I was Boadicea in a previous life. Norse god? I’m Freya.

The fun thing can be to retake the test immediately, because then you end up with completely different ‘answers’. This suggests strongly that there’s a random number generator somewhere in the algorithm.

This transgender phenomenon reached its zenith when I decided to find out what name I was meant to have. This is easy. I was going to be called Simon, but my mum, in a state of postpartum shock, told the midwife I was to be called Duncan, and the rest, as they say, is history. Apparently not.

According to the test, I am really called Camilla. Bad enough it was a woman’s name, but the same as that bootfaced old trout? I despair.

By the way, I never do the ones where they access anything other than my public profile, because I suspect the ones that ask for access all areas are advertisers phishing.