I’m aware of Amy Schumer, though not familiar with her work. I believe she’s a comedian of some repute, and an ardent feminist. This week it was announced that she would be starring in the forthcoming Barbie film. Enter the trolls, as they always do.

Ms Schumer has been accused of being too fat to play Barbie. In the UK, she’d be a very average size 10/12. However, this is not what the trolls want. I assume they want whoever plays the girlhood icon to mimic the original shape. I think I read somewhere that means she’d need to have vital statistics of 39-16-33. That seems unlikely to me. As would be her ability to stand, given the tiny feet. I’m not sure her head wouldn’t fall off that way-too-slender-and-long neck.

Here’s the weird thing. The trolls are all men. Now forgive me, since I’m not entirely sure, but I’d have thought they’re a bit outside the target demographic for a film about a bloody doll. The target is surely a/small girls, and/or b/women with fond memories of dressing the plastic plaything back in simpler times. However, I am absolutely certain that the target demographic is not middle aged, leering, sweaty onanists in the back row of the cinema with their hands in trouser pockets that have holes in them.

Let us now turn to another aspect of the authenticity of appearance, and consider the case of Ken. Who’s going to play him? Firstly, there is the issue of his hair. Ken has one of the most appalling barnets of all time. It’s very nearly as bad as TFF’s, and no film star is going to risk his career by looking that much of a complete wassock.

It gets worse. I very much doubt that whoever gets the call from central casting is going to be too pleased about some of the conditions that he has to meet. Firstly, he’s going to have to have his genitals removed. That’s a high price to pay for fame. He’ll need to have his nipples sanded off too, which may not be too pleasant either.

After that, the whole body wax will be a walk in the park.

ken

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