I was feeling out of sorts on Saturday, which is when I post for Monday, so dragged this out of the back catalogue.

*****

Cinema audiences are notoriously fickle. Films that are expected to be no-hopers make squillions, and massive production losses are made when  the expected audiences stay away in droves. Nowhere is this more prevalent than in the area of sequels and remakes, especially when the original idea is lost in the interests of self indulgent directors and avaricious backers and producers.

Animated films are supposed to be boilerplated, watertight, surefire investment, immune to the vagaries of the zeitgeist. But even they are vulnerable. Given the plethora of films that will be on television over Christmas, here are some of the animated remake duffers that may sneak in under the radar.

Oh, and apologies for the dodgy formatting. I converted a Word 97 document to Word 2007, and you all know the sort of tricks that Microsoft get up to when they try to make things retrocompatible. Then a copy/paste into basic WordPress was only going to make things worse, wasn’t it?

Copeye Brawny sailor waves goodbye to the seafaring life, makes a decent woman of Olive Oyl, hides his tattoos under a grubby raincoat, and becomes a gumshoe
Gabe Farmyard-location remake of Gone with the Wind. Greatest line is when porcine hero gives Rambi (cf) the heave ho (You may want to think about that one….)
Egadzilla Prehistoric monster ravages Camelot, only to die at the hands of the Merrie Englande Alle Comers jousting champion, who wins the heart of Guinevere
Mugracks – the Movie Derivative, sub-Warholean study in real time of a day in the life of this common kitchen fitment
Mumbo Lovable flying elephant makes his second screen appearance. Film flops mysteriously, despite rumoured $30M advance to Marlon Brando for the voiceover
Mumbo IIMumbo III Failed to do any better even with Sly Stallone as a starring nameBenicio del Torro put the last nail in the coffin for this disastrous trilogy
OrdovicianPark Most expensive animated picture ever, but the scenes of huge molluscs peacefully filter feeding on the seabed 480,000,000 years ago strangely failed to stir the public imagination
Ponnicchio Wooden puppet comes briefly to life, to the delight of his master, but a dyslexic Jiminy Cricket mistakes him for a frilly lettuce and eats him
Rambi (Bambo in the US) Fawn dons a rd bandanna and goes survivalist to find and take revenge on the hunters who got his mum
Shakespeare in Glove Ill fated attempt to film Macbeth using hand puppets instead of human actors. Marginally more comprehensible than the 1948 Orson Welles version
The Saucerer’s Apprentice Mickey discovers that life in a tableware factory is not all fun and games!
Troy Story Buzz Lightyear as Paris, and Bo Peep as Helen, get acted off the screen by the Wooden Horse
Wallis and Grommet Heartwarming tale of a commoner who marries a king, then becomes an ENT surgeon to support him when he is removed from the Civil List (See also The Simpsons)
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