If you overdid things a bit over the past few days (and/or the pre-Christmas period) then you may be feeling a bit remorseful, particularly if you had more sherbets than is strictly wise.

Did you tell the boss exactly what you thought of him while you were under the influence at the works party? Can you remember the episode in the store cupboard with that bloke out of Goods Inward? The Walk of Shame next day when you turned up still in the clothes you wore last night?

Most people have done some daft things when inebriated, and recalled them next day with their throbbing heads in their hands, going, ‘Oh no. Did I really?’ Well, I can pretty much guess that you’ve never been as bad as a guy in Canada just before Christmas. This story is as good as the drunk sexually assaulting an alligator because it had annoyed him.

One Kenneth Gillespie, a denizen of small town, was a known drunk. I guess all small towns have one; Great Dunmow has several. Anyway, just before Christmas Mr Gillespie had sex with a snowman, froze his penis, got frostbite in it, and had to have it removed.

Hmmm. Let’s do a bit of thinking here. One, there’s the ‘little blue acorn syndrome’ aspect. If the weather was that cold, he’d have had trouble finding it, let alone getting into a state where he could have sex with a snowman. Also, on another physiological level, if you’re pissed enough to think that shagging a snowman is a mighty fine idea, the chances of you managing it are pretty remote. To paraphrase The Bard, drink increases the desire but takes away the performance. The story looks more and more implausible.

Then if you read the original article, you see that the words ‘sex’ and ‘penis’ have asterisks instead of the letter e. Now I’m getting very suspicious indeed. Wouldn’t you be? Then there are ‘links’ that take you to completely unrelated sites. Always a bad sign.

Lastly, the source was a site called ThugVideos, which sounds shifty in and of itself, and I have been unable to verify the story anywhere else. It’s a fun tale, but I’m pretty convinced it’s not true. Unlike the drunken sexual assault on the alligator; that was for real. I checked that one.

Moral of the story. Never believe everything you read on the internet. Because that’s how TFF got elected.

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