Contains adult language and possible nudity.

Parental guidance advised.

A salutary tale of debauchery and its consequences. As ever, I am merely the reporter, and am not condoning any activity here.

I was talking to a mate on Saturday, and he was a/ intensely hungover, and b/ a bit more subdued than he normally is. I’ll not use his real name, but since he calls his business partner The Plumber, I’ll call him The Electrician.

The Electrician had treated himself rather well on Friday night while his wife was away. Cat’s away, mice will play kind of thing here. When he finally surfaced on Saturday morning, he found, on the kitchen table, an untouched meal of fish and chips which he promptly binned. However, he had clearly got the munchies at some point, since there was a bag of popcorn in the marital bed.

Now as we say in the trade, ‘These things happen,’ but this wasn’t what was making him edgy. The pub where he was filling himself to the brim the previous night has a knitting circle, and they’d been having a belated Christmas dinner. And something happened.

The Electrician was a little unspecific at first. ‘When I was leaving, I did something…’

‘How late was it?’

‘Wasn’t late, about 8:00. But The Plumber and I had been on it since 11:00.’

‘Long day. What did you do?’

‘I’m not sure. But I think I might have got my nob out for them. I was too full to remember, but I know something went on. Maybe I just said something to them. I don’t know.’

‘I’m pretty sure you’ll find out next time you go in.’

‘Yeah. It’ll be one of those moments when you walk in and the landlord says, “Can I have a quick word with you?” You know he’s not going to give you a surprise box of chocolates.’

He then proceeded to tell me another nob-related drunken tale from a little while ago. He and some colleagues had somehow wangled a freebie on a pretty substantial yacht based in Marbella, and one night the owner took them all out to a very swanky restaurant. The Electrician had ordered rack of lamb in plum sauce, and being in a state he dropped some of the said sauce on his chinos. He was so drunk he genuinely thought that somehow he’d cut his willy and was bleeding. It took a lot of reassurance before he calmed down.

You can get away with stuff like that in really swanky places. Anywhere more downmarket they’d give you the bum’s rush.