Right, quick question for you. What is the best way to treat the following medical conditions?

IBS. Crohn’s disease. Eczema. Candidal infections. Acne. Chronic fatigue syndrome. Being overweight. Being underweight. Cancer. Poor libido. Migraines. Back pain.

The list goes on, but that’ll do for now.

The answer, you’ll be delighted to know, is a simple one. It’s called the Alkaline Diet, and was developed by some charlatan in the US whose name escapes me, because I was yelling at the television when he was introduced. The idea is that you change your diet to make your blood more alkaline. This of course means you have to cut out a lot of the fun things, though you are allowed avocado, which is highly alkalising. Allegedly.

This bloody idiot claims in all seriousness that all disease and illness is caused by acidic blood. I imagine this means that if you follow his advice you’ll become immortal like She.

The thing is that, when asked, he was unable to supply any proof at all that the diet works. When pressed, he said,’ Studies need to be done.’ At somebody else’s expense I suppose. Me? I think its up to him to implement the studies that show he’s on a winner, and not just a money-grubbing fraud.

So far, so barmy. But it does get worse, believe me, and I yelled some more.

He doesn’t believe bacteria (or viruses) exist. So long Louis Pasteur, you got it all wrong, didn’t you? Loser.

Then it gets even worserer. He has a dodgy video in which he claims you can see human blood cells miraculously metamorphosing into bacteria in acid conditions. If you can be arsed, I suspect you’ll find this on YouTube, somewhere among the exploding skateboarders and cats getting stuck in Venetian blinds.

He flat out denies he’s guilty of observation bias, looking for what he wants to find. One thing he won’t want to find is the effects of hypovitaminosis D, which is likely going to bite in the arse people who cut out dairy products, and other fats and oils, as he recommends.

Oddly enough, avocado is pretty oily. I suppose that doesn’t count.

PS I have since established the Alkaline Diet guy is Robert O’Young. He’s currently awaiting sentencing after he was found guilty of practising medicine without a licence.