You’re all aware of the deep sense of despair I feel when confronted with some totally pointless gadget or device. The ones that make me go, ‘Oh for goodness sake!’ NOBODY NEEDS ONE OF THOSE!’ Spiralizers fit into this category for sure. Car door mirrors that fold back automatically, aka just something else to go wrong. Vapes with a ‘mine is bigger than yours is’ tank. All manner of things. I’d better stop, or I’ll be here all day.

However, up till this weekend I was of the opinion that the Rollie was the apogee of technosuperfluity. That’s the device that makes omelettes on a stick. This first hit the streets back in 2014, and as I predicted immediately sank without trace.

https://nobodysreadingme.wordpress.com/2014/10/25/how-to-have-a-really-daft-idea-when-youre-drunk/

However, the Rollie has dropped into the relegation zone with the launch of the spectacularly superfluous offering from Optrex, the eyecare people. Ladeeeeez and gennlmennn, I give you the Optrex Warming Eye Mask.

This has apparently been ‘created to present an innovative way to relax and soothe tired eyes.’ The phenomenon of tired eyes ‘can be the result of many activities that require intense use of the eye muscles for long periods.’ Well, yes, but this innovation is a bridge too far.

Here’s how it works. When opened, the Mask uses ‘Unique Microsteam Technology,’ which is a handy bit of technobabble. It warms itself up, reaching optimal temperature in about three minutes, and delivers a ‘gentle warming steam’ to ‘moisten and soothe tired eyes.’

Red flags appear immediately when you read that the mask is disposable. The website proudly proclaims that when you’ve had your pamper time, ‘you simply throw the mask away.’ This is truly advanced thinking in a world where an estimated 1,000,000 tonnes of plastic waste enter our oceans every sodding minute.

I have a lower tech, more sustainable approach. Get a facecloth, wring it out in hot water, drape it over your phizzog, and go dreamy byebyes for a few minutes. Repeat if necessary. There it is. Simple, and a lot more eco-friendly, because it’s eminently reusable. Not to mention not costing up to eight quid for a pack of two.*

Incidentally, did anybody else’s mind stray a bit, and wonder what Gwyneth Paltrow might make of these? No? Must just be me then.

*The eight smackers was the most expensive I found, but even the bargain basement cost of £4.66 is steep.

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