Again, since it’s Sunday, I know you have better things to do, so I’ll keep this brief(ish).

You all know my attitude to men with beards, manbuns, fixed gear bikes, and schlossmeister jackets, so any opportunity for me to take the piss out of them is welcome. Such an opportunity has come about.

Some heartening news this week was that a florist in one of the trendier bits of London has taken to selling sticks for 18 quid a go. Yes, that’s right. Sticks. The very same sort of stick that your achingly trendy French bulldog would go and retrieve were it not so inbred it can’t breathe enough to run, and were its mouth not so deformed it can’t handle solids. That sort of stick.

However, just to make sure the vaping crew think they’re making a wise investment, these aren’t ordinary sticks. Oh no. You’d look a prat forking out eighteen smackers for an ordinary stick, wouldn’t you? That would never do. You’re hip.

These sticks are ‘trimmed at the ends.’ That means they’ve been sawn from bigger sticks. They’re also ‘planed on the lower surface.’ This means that a/ they won’t roll away, and b/ the joker in the florist gets to dictate exactly which way up you, the gullible hipster, will display your stick when you carry it proudly back to your pied at terre in Shoreditch. Or they’ll drill it for you to use as a wall hanging.

Since your trendy dog can’t get sticks for you, you need to keep it occupied somehow. I suggest a visit to Trendy Dog London on Amazon.

You can get some very expensive pet pampering products there. If you’re willing to pay 15 notes for a stick, you’ll surely fork out £6.99 for some gourmet duck sausage slices as treats for your spoiled pooch.

Except it can’t eat solids, and anyway you’ve got it on a macrobiotic gluten-free vegan diet.

PS When questioned, this was the shop’s owner’s response.

‘… worth the price tag as they needed to be sourced and hand-crafted.’ She gets them from Devon. There’s a park about two minutes down the street.