This dates from three years ago, but given the US Masters finished on Sunday, I thought it worth another shot. Did you see what I did there?

*****

I am very badly equipped to comment here, since I’ve never hit a golf ball except to attempt to get one through the rotating sails of that little windmill. In fact my resolute refusal to play the game means I’m owed 50 quid by a friend who bet me that sum that I’d be playing golf before I was 60. I have lost touch with him, unfortunately. I must track him down and claim my winnings.

I can however alert you to a new health scare associated with this alleged sport. I use the term alleged advisedly, because despite the massive crowds at the major tournaments, it has absolutely no spectator appeal at all, not one shred. It’s pointless. But back to the matter in hand. The health scare. Predictably this comes from the Daily Mail, well known for the high quality of its scientific and medical reporting.

Apparently ‘doctors’ are ‘concerned’ about a recent rise in hearing disorders in golfers. They attribute this to the increasing use of titanium faced golf clubs. These are extremely rigid, and do not deform on impact, so the little ball goes further. Who cares, really? However, this comes at the cost of making a pretty convincing noise at several thousand decibels, and this is making golfers lose their high frequency hearing. Yeah, like I believe that. A lifetime of going to see Motorhead will do that (though my hearing is still remarkably good) but playing golf? Please spare me.

However, let us assume it’s true, that there is a real health risk here. There’s an easy answer. Ear defenders. Those big industrial sized ones that look like a roadie’s headset, or something you wear when operating a jackhammer. Easy. Oh and if you’re a golfer and think they would make you look stupid? They would hardly be noticed at all given your predilections for stupid pullovers, stupid tartan trousers, and stupid two tone shoes. Honestly, nobody would bat an eyelid.

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