I fully admit to being irascible. I am. Occasionally I show my soft side, hence once being christened ‘Mr Fluffy.’ That destroyed my cred for a while. I came back from it. I am a grumpy bastard.
Here is something that makes me really cross, really grumpy, truly irritated, close to incandescently pissed off. Grownups drinking through straws. In a pub.
Now there are circumstances where you might use a straw. It’s hard to imagine not using a straw to deal with a milkshake in Mackie D’s, though it’s equally hard to imagine why you’d have a milkshake in Mackie D’s in the first place. I’ve not been there in years, but when I did and I had, for example, a Coke, I’d not bother with a straw, and I’d discard the lid to tackle the tasty beverage in a proper grownup way.
Certain cocktails might also require a straw, but again your general judgement may be a bit lacking if you drink cocktails anyway. I don’t mind the odd Old Fashioned, but as soon as we get to anything with umbrellas, sparklers, and lumps of fruit, forget it. I’m not playing.
This applies in spades if you order a large Scotch and soda, then ask for a straw. There’s a good reason they don’t sell Scotch in kindergarten, but there’s no reason to regress to toddlerhood when you’re drinking spirits. Or cider for that matter.
While I’m on the subject of cider, let’s be clear. Cider is made from apples. That’s it. Apples. If you make pear cider, it’s strictly perry. And cider does not need to addition of extraneous flavourings. You don’t need to add strawberries, or blackberries, or anything else to make it more acceptable to the undiscerning unformed palate. And those fruit ciders are a bit of a contradiction in terms, since cider is already made with sodding fruit called apples! And don’t drink them through a straw!
While we’re at it, if you order a white wine spritzer, and ask for it to be made with lemonade rather than soda water, I’m going to take that as a clear sign of moral turpitude. Also never ask for a pint of shandy made with a premium, high quality lager. My Ocker mate Tyler* refused to serve this, and would get another staffer to do it.
*This is the same Tyler who barred somebody for being boring.
nobodysreadingme 
I have to disagree a bit with you there. Yes, when you are somewhere you know, and you are with people you know, then yes, using a straw is a last straw. But when going to a club or something like that, then it is different. When my daughter went to her first adult drinking outing to a place she didn’t know that was going to be raucous and loud etc, I gave her some toppers. These go in the tops of bottles and a straw goes in the top, stopping people from adding anything unsavoury or unwanted into it and turning people – like my daughter – into a drugged state who is incapable of saying no to anything.
I can see the rationale there, but a topper isn’t the same as a kiddie straw.
My mother will use a kiddie straw to “stop getting lipstick on the cup” My response to her is always – well don’t pile on s much lipstick that it will do that, or get one that isn’t a cheap shit one that comes off at the first indication of contact.
That would work, yes.
Straw thoughts in no particular order – drinking beer with a straw is unforgivable. In certain circumstances women get a straw pass (lipstick smudges on glass rims is problematic ). Don’t blame the straw in fruit floating cocktails (direct scorn at persons ordering drinks forcing the choice of pineapple chunk up the nose vs straw sips ). Bartenders must shoulder considerable straw shame – fruity monstrosities aside, dispensing straws should be on request rather than automatic.
On request and refused in the absence of physical disability
Precisely! Oh man, just recalled an unfortunate straw-less incident – as you know I make a living in hospitality, clients go mad over “signature cocktails”. In particular the smoking martini. “Smoking” involves a chunk of dry ice plopped in martini glass. My servers greet guests on arrival with trays of animated libations, giddy oohs and ahhs erupt (trust me, the gimmick is a keeper ) all good if we remember to pack straws, hysterically unfortunate when forced to stay the course despite forgotten straws (following hurried consensus nobody would be so stupid as to swallow the dry ice) – wrong! Take it from me – nincompoops who swallow dry ice need a straw. 🙂
The stupid was strong in this one too. https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/sep/17/oscars-wine-bar-lancaster-gaby-scanlon-stomach-liquid-nitrogen
Geez! One of my husband’s first cases as a Lawyer was representing a dimwit suing a nightclub whose server didn’t stop him from downing a flaming Sambucca shot.Dimwit prevailed.
I think they deserve all they get… http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2449417/Drinker-suffers-severe-burns-flaming-Sambuca-cocktail-explodes.html