I can’t tell you how much these little snippets raised my spirits on a cold morning.

First up, avocados. No hipster brekkie is complete without some avo mashed on toast. Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop site even has a recipe for it, alongside some of her more questionable techniques for personal hygiene. Anyway, the beards can’t get enough of the stuff.

The enthusiasm is not without its downside. Increasing numbers of men in hacking jackets are rolling into A&E departments with something referred to by experts (always a dangerous word in any context) as ‘avocado hand.’ This is characterised by slashes or stab injuries because people don’t have a clue how to tackle the hard skin and the big stone. The British Association of Plastic, Reconstructive, and Aesthetic Surgeons (try saying that when you’re pissed) has gone as far as to recommend that the fruit should carry warning labels.

That seems a bit counter productive to me. The fixed-gear bike brigade must be providing a rich revenue stream for the guys at BAPRAS. They’re killing the goose that lays the golden egg. Anyway, the problem is self-limiting since demand is outstripping supply, so soon there won’t be any to make a hash of cutting.

The Hoxton elite are going to be really pissed off about this next bit of news. There they’ve all been carefully and (usually pointlessly) eliminating gluten from their diets, and they’ve been barking up the wrong dietary tree. That’s according to Dr Steven Gundry, but you may want to treat his ‘findings’ with a reasonable amount of scepticism, since his history is in cardiothoracic surgery, not dietetics, and his original research consisted of a sample size of one, himself.

Lectins are proteins, as gluten is, but allegedly bind to certain sugars and can cause agglutination (there’s that word again) of certain cell types. Gundry is a bit hyperbolic here, claiming that lectins are ‘the No 1 biggest danger’ in our diets. Not gluten, but lectins.

I think that’s quite possibly nonsense, but he’s got a lot of discussion going on Goop, so he must be kosher. But here’s the best bit. A lot of standard hipster fare is a rich source of these danger molecules.

Forget the Mediterranean diet. Tomatoes are a no-fly zone. Most pulses and legumes are off limits too, as is hummus. Step away from the cashews, and don’t even think about wholegrain bread, or indeed wholegrains full stop. If you must drink milk, make sure it’s A2 milk (no, I dunno either), and if you have to have tofu, though I’m unsure why you would, you can get hemp tofu.

Here’s the real killer. Quinoa is verboten. Yes, the much loved superfood grain is very high in lectins. You can hear the weeping and wailing down in Shoreditch. No goji berries either. Hehehehe.

No doubt you’ll be surprised to learn that the good doctor has a range of supplements on the market. Lectin Shield will ‘assist your body in the fight against lectins.’ This stuff is a bargain at a mere sixty one quid for a month’s supply.

I really don’t know how mankind has managed to survive for such a long time without the likes of Dr Gundry. It’s a real mystery, isn’t it?

*Pleasingly the name avocado is from the Aztec word for testicle. That’s worth knowing next time you’re in a pub quiz team, isn’t it?

avos

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