You’ll all be aware of my fondness for the loonier end of the US population, and I’m pleased to relate that other people are equally fond of the nutjobs that abound over there. I picked this up over the weekend.

Darrel Whitaker from Colorado claimed to have been sexually assaulted while he was walking in some woods. So far so good, though not for him, obviously, since he was sexually assaulted by a sasquatch.

You’ll have noticed as I have that alien abduction stories tend to illustrate that the little green men have an unhealthy interest in human genitalia and orifices, but this was an entirely new slant on things. Apparently, Mr Whitaker was knocked unconscious, and when he came to the marauding mammal had taken his trousers off and was starting on his underwear. It has to be said the sasquatch wasn’t too discerning, since the photograph of Mr Whitaker suggests he’s no sex god, but may sasquatches like a bit of rough trade.

Darrel bravely stabbed the animal with his hunting knife (this is America, after all), and it ran away. Way to go, Bigfoot.


In other news, a meth head in Florida, wrecked off his face, cut off his own genitals and microwaved them. You have to be completely out of it to do that, I reckon.

These stories have three things in common. The first one is this. Both are untrue. Unlike the dead groundhog being hurled into a bar in a fit of pique on the part of a customer who’d been given the bum’s rush, there’s not a shred of truth in either of them. The sasquatch story appeared in, a very very funny satire site (Teen cuts off genitals having sex with blender). The meth head tale was from a couple of sources that are notorious for mixing real and false news.

The second thing is that both are actually credible, because people in general do daft things. This is so very true in the US they’ve got TFF in the White House. Most Brits I know hold individual Americans in affectionate esteem, but think they’re pretty much daft as brushes. Nothing is really beyond belief.

The third thing is that I really wish the stories were true. With sasquatchman, I wish the story were accurate, that Mr Whitaker had actually made this report, even though he’d be plainly delusional. The meth head story should be true. The world’s a better place when people do stupid things that harm nobody else.

That of course wouldn’t apply to the story about the Alabama woman who found out her husband was cheating on her. As you do in these circumstances, she hacked off his genitals and forced him to eat them.

That was false too, and one of the sources was the same one that reported on the meth head/genitals story. I think the editorial board might have a few issues.