If all goes according to plan, this will be my 2000th blogpost. That’s quite a lot, isn’t it? Given also that while my posts average 500 words, some are a lot longer, which means that even allowing for reposts I’ve cranked out 1,000,000 words. Not bad in five years*.

You’ve had to put up with a lot. The whole format of ‘How to…’ came about from a blogpost about how not to be killed by a polar bear. This proved surprisingly popular, and also gave rise to my mentions of ‘my urban warrior collective,’ with their combat trousers and dreads.

Other animals followed Komodo dragons. Lions. Crocodiles. Snakes. Rhinoceros. Hippopotamus. Zebras. Giraffes. Goats, even. Wild times indeed. Then the human(ish) putative killers. Zombies. Vampires. Pirates. Landlords who will steal your life force.

I’ve done not one, but two, posts on the interesting properties of water. Don’t ask why, I just have. I’ve also done a few about the more pernicious demon drink. One of my highest View scores has been on the page ‘Tequila Sunrise’ and its graphic depiction of a hangover (and of the hardiness of Mexicans.) The dangers of attempting to tackle a kebab shop when you’re three sheets to the wind. That was a crowd-pleaser.

Interestingly, the post ‘How to design a kebab shop’ keeps appearing on my Views, some year and a bit after I first posted it. That means some poor soul has actually searched for it. So too do people still search and get to ‘How to blow up a toilet.’ Why? Not the foggiest. Nor why people are still reading ‘How to poison your friends,’ or ‘How to commit the perfect murder.’ You may want to watch your backs, though.

I’m also puzzled as to why Cecil H Bullivant continues to be a search topic from some four years ago. He keeps on cropping up, and all he did, as far as I related, was write a book about hobbies for toff boys.

Anybody recollect the post ‘How to be seduced by a robot’? That was a big hit. It was the precursor to ‘How to be delayed at Italian Customs,’ which still crops up now and then.

I’m perhaps best know for my rants, the shouty thing that happens when somebody has royally pissed me off. The pisser-off is often the Daily Mail, or the Daily Express. These often create false health scares based on nothing, then a couple of weeks later say it’s all fine. All health scares annoy me. Actually all health wackjobs annoy me, as you may know to your cost. And do not get me started on homoeopathy again.

It’s been a lot of fun. Well, for me anyway. Toodlepip!

*Some may regard it as an obsession. I can’t argue with that.