Gwyneth ‘Stark Raving Bonkers’ Paltrow has been at it again. I’m generally averse to lifestyle advice from celebrities with no knowledge save anecdotal evidence (from themselves), and I had rather hoped that when she said she was cutting her ties with the loony Goop website she’d settle down a bit. This, alas, has not happened. She’s raised her game by a big margin. I give you, Goop Health*.

Goop Health was a one-day love-in for all the bored female A-listers with too much time and too much money to rock up with their multithousand dollar handbags and grounding slippers*, to be led into the further reaches of credulous, blithering idiocy.

Tickets weren’t cheap at about $1500, but that’s a mere bagatelle. If you’re willing to shell out $35 for a bottle of GP mineral water, the cost of simply being there has to be worth it.

Then you find you’ve been ripped off! The best way to stay hydrated is an iv drip. I’ve mentioned these before, but thought the concept had fallen on its hipster sword. Nope. Apparently they provide an energy boost (and an ego boost at the same time, I would guess), and keep you hydrated. Just like when you have a glass of water, but then you’d look like a prole.

When the water has done its job and is in need of exiting, I do hope that GP had the decency to provide the $300 toilet rolls she lists on Goop. I think anything less would make her look like a cheapskate.

I thought Gwynney was merely deranged, but how wrong I was. She’s a ‘recovering perfectionist.’ That must be a tough gig, up there with smack addiction and alcoholism. I imagine the Priory can expect a big surge in demand.

Here’s a thing, or several things, you may not have had drift through your rational transoms. Neuro-vegetative signs. Integrative photosynthesis (in humans?). Spiritual wi-fi. Healing modalities. All are important aspects of cosmic flow, according to Dr Habib Sadhegi. This guy seems not to have any medical qualifications (though he is an osteopath), but I’m willing to be corrected here. He runs the ‘Be Hive of Healing’, a name that provides valuable insight into his trade in integrative medical care. His colleague, Sherry Sami, offers integrative paediatric dentistry and orthodontics, so Apple and Moses should have nice, shiny, straight, and fully integrated choppers.

I think you’ll have the idea by now, but here’s one last point. The best way to not get fat is to not eat. Simple, eh?

*Thanks to Hilary Rose of Times2 for some of the more riveting detail.

**These have metal filament in the soles to help in conductively earthing you, whatever that bullshit means.