This goes back a few years, but it’s Sunday and nobodyreadsme today anyway.


Somewhere in the ether the other day I stumbled upon somebody asking the following question. ‘Is it ever OK to dump someone by txt?’ I think you all know me well enough by now to realise I’m almost incapable of leaving well alone. Be reasonable, it’s irresistible, isn’t it? I mean, if you don’t want opinions, don’t ask, right?

I nailed my colours to the mast immediately. I’ll tell you at the end what my view was. No, I’ll tell you now. I said, unequivocally, ‘No.’ I hope that comes as no surprise to my loyal urban warrior collective. It’s simply wrong, isn’t it? Just to add a bit of fuel to the flames, because I’m a little tinker like that, I said it was not only ill mannered but cowardly, and hinted at lax morals. Then I sat back to watch the fun.

The discussion lit up like a particularly lively night on the Somme. This was looking good. As you may imagine, attitudes were extremely polarised. I like that. It gives you something to get your teeth into, doesn’t it? It’s not much fun when people sit on fences. But something very odd happened. I thought it was odd anyway.

The overwhelming opinion was that yes, it is OK. That’s disturbing enough. But here’s the real surprise. It was women who were saying yes. Every single one of the pro camp was a woman. Every single one. This had two effects. The first was that I was badly wrong footed. I expected better from members of the human race carrying two x chromosomes. I was clearly naïve here. Secondly, it put me at a huge numerical disadvantage, since for most of the ensuing firefight I was the only set of y chromosomes on the field of battle. Most of the rest were on R and R in a bar in Bangkok or somewhere equally disreputable. I was dodging incoming while they were watching some extraordinary things being done with ping pong balls and a banana.

That left me pretty much alone, firing my verbal M16 one handed while ripping the pins out of etiquette grenades with my teeth. I wasn’t going down without a scrap on this one. Then the Txt Cong made a ceasefire possible. I don’t know if this was a tactical error. I intercepted a message from the other side. ‘I didn’t have much option. He hadn’t been in contact for three weeks.’

That made me rather sad, I must admit, but did I accept the flag of truce? Well what do you think? Of course I didn’t. ‘I’m sorry that happened but you need to realise you didn’t dump him. He dumped you. Sending him a text simply as an act of revenge won’t change that.’ The firing increased in intensity to the level of carpet bombing.

Then my natural diplomacy (ahem) came into play, and I opened negotiations. ‘I’m surprised you even bothered responding to someone who acted so badly. You were well out of it.’

Things went All Quiet On The Western Front.

So come on, all my homies here. What do you think? Is it ever acceptable to dump by txt?