I swear idiots are more resilient than zombies, and while it’s perfectly acceptable to kill zombies, such action is frowned upon when applied to the world of people who are merely dumb.

I thought this was an impossibility, but lifestyle coaches are getting weirder by the minute. If you doubt me, I give you Alyssa Greene. She has a fitness blog that sports (see what I did there?) over 21,000 followers.

Her latest piece of idiocy is her advocacy of dog squatting. This is not, as you might half-expect, advice on how to stand around looking cazh while your dog crouches, rear legs a-tremble, to drop a turd that would do justice to an elephant, and which you will have to scoop up in a designer plastic bag*.

Nor is she arguing the case for getting your mutt to take up keep fit. I can’t see any self-respecting pooch going through the humiliation of bench pressing or cross training, when all it wants to do is run around the fields with its tongue lolling out.

She’s advocating that you do squatting exercises, which are good for your arse muscles, while holding your dog.

This should be easypeasy with one of those designer (ie mongrel) handbag breeds, shouldn’t it? But Ms Greene uses her golden retriever. She does wisely suggest that people following her advice avoid the use of big dawgs, unless they already have an arse like Superman (my words).

Why can’t she just use weights or a bucket of sand? Why make the dog have to go through this? Certainly in the photos I’ve seen the poor hound looks bored and disgruntled, no mean feat when the normal expression on a retriever’s face is dopey amiability.

More idiocy. In an event that shook the world, a mum gave birth to twins. Yes, really. Fancy that! However, this was no ordinary mum. This was the blessed Beyonce Knowles, spouse of the superstar (hmmm) rapper Jay Z, who seems to change his name as often as mere mortals change their socks.

We know all went well, because her dad, Mathew Knowles, was understandably excited and as happy as a guinea pig with one tail. He did what everybody does these days, and took to the social media (Twitter and Instagram) to spread the glad tidings.

This was a mistake, because the Beyhive rounded on him. I’d never heard the word ‘Beyhive’ before, and I can’t say my quality of life has been improved by exposure to it; it’s hateful, isn’t it?

The Beyhive, which consists of young fans of Beyonce told him in no uncertain terms that he’d committed a major sin, and that it was her job to tell the world, not his. The sheer gall of the man! How dare he be so delighted to be a granddad that he wanted to tell people!

And please do not start me on Breatharians Camila Costello and and Akahi Ricardo.


*A whole new meaning to the words ‘doggie bag.’