Having let Kev have his fifteen minutes of fame, here are my Top 10 wedding reception stinkers. As with him, they’re in no particular order. Apart from the first one. Two. The first two.

Hi Ho Silver Lining by Jeff Beck*. I detest this bloody record. I’ve been known to walk outside and stand in the rain rather than have this load of red hot needles shoved in my eyes.

Red Red Wine by UB40. I acknowledge that Neil Diamond, while not being any great shakes as a singer, has written some damn fine songs. His original version of this is OK. This whiteboy reggae version should be called Red Red Whine because of Ali Campbell’s really irritating vocal style. Every house band in the whole world covers this, and it never, ever gets any better.

Wannabe by the Spice Girls. Well, anything by the Spice Girls, of course, but this one especially.

La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin. Cod Latin muzak.

Agadoo by Black Lace. This is one of those completely inexplicable floor fillers at weddings.

(Everything I do) I Do it for You by the Groover from Vancouver**, Bryan Adams. It’s achieved cult status as the choice for the first dance. As if hearing it at No 1 in the charts for 16 weeks wasn’t enough exposure.

The Best by Tina Turner. I don’t get this song at all, but it’s pretty much a shoo in. She fell a fair distance too after Nutbush City Limits.

See My Baby Jive by Wizzard. Another one that’s inexplicably popular even though it’s so crap. There’s a special circle of Hell with Roy Wood’s name on the door.

Dancing on the Ceiling by Lionel Richie. This really is beyond the pale in so many ways, but it pulls the crowds.

Cotton Eye Joe by Rednex. Ersatz shitkicking music that for unfathomable reasons has become a bit of a staple for nuptials. Very popular with the five year old boys who spend all evening sliding across the dancefloor on their knees, and the record is just about their level too.

*This from an extremely talented axeman, a man who fronted The Yardbirds. How did the mighty fall so far?

**Though his parents were originally British.

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