This week saw the third anniversary of my very first death threat on Facebook. I was very proud on the day that happened. I’ve had a few more since then and they’re always from people who have barely dipped their toes in the shallow end of the gene pool.

There are some general characteristics the fuckwits exhibit. Firstly, they are from the redneck end of the spectrum. Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana*. Hotbeds of hatred.

They’re all gun nuts. To a man (and in one case a woman) they’re Second Amendment fans. They go out of what pass for their minds when I point out the clause about ‘A well regulated militia…’ does not refer to psychopaths carrying out mass shootings in a school, burger bar, or shopping mall. I also point out that my point is born out by United States vs Miller. That makes them even more cross, because they hate the SCOTUS as much as they hate me.

They’re all Goptards. Odd that. It’s the Goptards who accuse liberals of being snowflakes. Yet I have never, ever, had a death threat from anybody but some idiot who believes TFF will Make America Great Again. They do genuinely buy that crap.

Every single one will resort to insults when confronted with their own fuckwittery. The favourite insult is that I’m a limey faggot. Except they spell it ‘limy’ and occasionally ‘fagot.’

They are all a bit geographically challenged. I once pointed out that it was unlikely that one of them living in Mobile could take an accurate guess on a map of the US as to where Atlanta lies, a mere 300 odd miles away. I then unkindly suggested my correspondent couldn’t find her own arse with both hands, so if she did get to the UK she’d never find me**. On politer end of things, I did offer to send her the airfare. All I needed was her bank details and password.

Hang about. I’ve not had any threats for a while. Memo to self. Must try harder.

*I like Georgia, and a major character in my first novel was from Louisiana. Hey ho.

**Not to mention that my Facebook address is what you’d call somewhat misleading.