You may recollect that in the past I’ve had a pop at Mumsnet, referring to them as a luvvy highfive website for middle class mothers. However, this week I heard a description that knocks mine into a cocked hat. The website is, and I quote, ‘…the web hangout of the demented lactating house-arrested overthinker.’ That’s pretty good, isn’t it?

This was prompted by the group’s apparent advocacy of Jacob Rees-Mogg to depose and succeed Goody Two Shoes as leader of the Conservatives. If you’re not a Brit, you may not ever have heard of him. As his name may suggest to you, he’s a Toff of the highest order, an Übertoff; you don’t find that many double-barrelled oiks.

He has six children, the youngest of whom was born recently. Given his somewhat repressed, double-breasted appearance and demeanour, it’s hard to imagine him having sex, but that’s true of everybody, isn’t it? We just have to assume he has had sex at least six times.

He’s a bit of a poser when it comes to naming the poor little buggers. In this he may have been aided and abetted by the splendidly handled Helena de Chair, his wife, but somehow I get the feeling that he holds the reins. All the children seem to have been named after Saxon bishops or 8th century saints, and I can’t imagine any mother being too delighted at the prospect of little Wulfric getting soundly beaten up at boarding school.

The Mumsnet support for #Moggumentum (I know, I know) is a little weird to say the least, since this man seems to still be living in the Victorian era. He claims never to have changed a baby’s nappy. ‘The nanny can deal with that splendidly.*’ You’d think Mumsnet might take exception to that.

He’s very anti same sex marriages. Not sure what the Mum stance is on them, but given it’s a largely chattering class group I suspect there may be lukewarm approval for homosexual rights.

He’s actually opposed to the Human Rights Act. I suppose he wants to return to the good old days of horseback hunting of recalcitrant runaway serfs with dogs.

Somehow or other the Toffs think that this man is a safer pair of hands for the party than Hammond, or Rudd, or Davidson. He’s pretty hard on the heels of David Davis too. Bear in mind the Toffs got precious close to getting a whipping at the election because they’re so out of touch. I don’t think this pillock, even if he is, ‘…just so deliciously of type,’ as Mumsnet coos, is the right man for the job.

Things have come to a pretty pass when Bojo looks a reasonable choice, eh?

*During the run up to the last election he went canvassing with his old nanny, who presumably was ‘splendid’ at wiping his arse for him.

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