Summer is traditionally a time when big news stories tend not to happen. Apart from the continuing carcrash that is TFF in the White House, this year has not been an exception. Most of the big hitters are away on their jollydays, so the hacks have to hunt about a bit for stories. There have been some belters this week. Absolute peaches.

Let’s go first to South Carolina and the redoubtable Jordan Dinsmore. The student was living peaceably when she was attacked and forced into her car. She was threatened with being taken to a house where she would be raped, and decided to take things into her own hands. When told to make a right turn, she turned left towards some oncoming traffic, and hurled herself out of the moving car, but shoved the car into neutral before she did. The two teenage men who she left in the car had no idea how to drive a manual/stickshift, and got nicked. The perils of technology, eh?

Oz is generally a good source of weird tales, and so it proved this week. In Esperance, Western Oz, a 36-year-old kicked down the door of a house with the intent, we must assume, to burgle the place. He then made the schoolboy error of getting pissed on the job. After downing a bottle of champagne* (Louis Perdrier, so cheap peasant fizzwater, not a grand cru by any means) he clearly felt that a lie-down was a bonzer idea, and the woman who owns the house returned to find him sacked out in her bed and called the rozzers.

Still on the subject of drinking related fun and games, seven men got the bum’s rush from a pub in Swansea because the management thought they were a stag party. It turned out that their cassocks and dog collars were legit. They were trainee priests from a nearby seminary. The manager bought them a round when he realised his mistake.

Finally, what is believed to be the world’s first smiley emoji was found on a 4,000 year old pot unearthed on the Turkey/Syria border. On the Syrian side they don’t have too much to smile about right now, but things were clearly more upbeat back in 2000 BC.

*I’m also sad to have to tell you that the late and not very much lamented Bucks Fizz (now simply called The Fizz, so there’s a job for the advertising standards folks), winners of the 1981 Eurovision with their risqué skirt ripping antics, have risen from the dead and just announced their first new single since 1988. It’s set to be released in September, so please form an orderly queue.