Three stories today, all linked to food, though the term ‘food’ is debatable. One is good news, one is fake news, and one might confirm your suspicions about the inhabitants of a certain European capital.

Firstly the good news. Tesco has joined Asda and Waitrose in banning the sale of energy drinks to under-sixteens. I think this is splendid. Nobody under that age needs to consume energy drinks, and definitely not at eight in the morning on the way to a disruptive day in class at school.

When I worked on the vans for Tesco, on a three shift day we’d gorge ourselves on Kick as a means to stave off fatigue, but we had quite a lot of justification. Yooves have no justification, and can’t even claim they drink them because they like the taste. Nobody does.

Now the fake news from that bastion of scientific accuracy, the Daily Express. Shouty frontpage headline on Wednesday was ‘Eat curry to beat dementia.’ I suspected this was a classic bit of misreporting, and so it turned out.

Experts* showed that in a small cohort of patients with early stage dementia, a daily supplement of curcumin possibly helped to slow things down a bit. Now, curcumin is indeed a component of turmeric, the spice used in curries that makes indelible yellow stains on your clothes if you goof up**. You can see where I’m going. The amount of turmeric in a portion of curry is small, so the amount of curcumin is even smaller. A stroll down to the Redfort Gate once a week won’t help you at all.

Then we had some food riots in Paris, a place where the inhabitants will never stop telling you the best food in the world comes from. I’d take issue with that, especially the jam. All foreign jams are rubbish, and taste of rosehips and sugar. This may explain why the riots were over jars of Nutella. The jam must be crap if Parisian people prefer this Italian crap to the homegrown confiture.

The supermarket chain Intermarche lowered the price of a jar of Nutella from €4.70, or nearly a fiver, to €1.41, or about £1.23. I think even this is a scandalous amount of money for a ‘hazelnut spread’ that contains only 13% hazelnuts. And yes, I did have to go to the CoOp and read a label to get that little snippet.

Predictably, Ferrero, the Italian makers of Nutella retreated threw Intermarche to the wolves, and insisted this was purely a local decision, that the price had been determined by the chain and not by them. You could hear the rustle of bucks being passed there.

Even €1.41 just too much for something that tastes so awful. But if the alternative is French jam, it might be the only way to go, I suppose.

*Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

**Unless you happen to be in India or Sri Lanka where the local washerwoman will have demonic powers and get the stains out with ease.