You may remember about three years ago I had a rant about the stupidity of the Student Union at my old alma mater of UEA. They decided in their wisdom that a TexMex restaurant trying to drum up trade during Freshers’ Week by giving out sombreros should stop doing it. Some twat by the name of Chris Jarvis banged on about cultural appropriation. I pointed out then that by that measure, simply chowing down on a taco or a burrito was equally culturally appropriational. And forget getting hammered on tequila.

You’ll also be aware that I’m pretty much vegetarian, just because I’ve largely gone off meat. Something else I can go off are vegans, or at least those haughty pompous posturing tits who take the moral high ground. One of this latter category went off the reservation about tofu.

Somebody had posted a recipe for ‘tofurkey*.’ A zealous vegan got on the case.

‘Hey! I loved your tofurkey dinner recipe…how long have you been a vegan?’

‘…I’m not a vegan though…’

‘Oh vegetarian?’

‘No I just don’t like the taste and texture of most meats.’

This is when it gets a bit smelly, when the high-horsing sets in.

‘So your (sic) like pretending to be a vegan cause it’s cool and in? I’ve been vegan for 3 years now and it was the best decision I’ve made in my life**. It’s not hip or cool. It’s important.’

The partial carnivore responded with much better grace.

‘Good for you! That’s great! I am not pretending to be a vegan… I just like tofu more than most meats.’


‘Tofu is strictly for vegans and vegetarians. You are basically admitting to appropriating us and stealing what we need for your own selfish use.’

I’m pretty sure you can see the vacuousness of this tack. We have a vegan telling somebody else not to eat vegetarian or vegan foods. Figure that out, because I can’t.

The worm turned, with admirable brevity and pithiness.

‘With all due respect***, I’m not appropriating anything, I’m eating food I like you absolute fuck.’

That did the job, I expect. ‘That’s the way to do it,’ as Mr Punch would have it.

By the way, Llandudno has the world’s longest running Punch and Judy show, founded by Richard Codman over 150 years ago. His ancestors still run it. And I’ve seen his house.

*I think vegans cheat a bit by trying to reproduce the taste of meat. Defeats the object a bit.

**May need to get out a bit more.

***You can hear the knife being sharpened on the whetstone here, can’t you?