This, believe it or not, is my 2500th post. Even allowing for the occasional re-post, that’s roughly one and a quarter million words. Best part of 1500 hours, I estimate. Two months of my life I won’t get back. Might be even more.
All that time and effort just so I could witter on about pirates, zombies, and dancing robots. Oh, and the enormously popular post about healthy bowel habits. The Yanks loved that in the run-up to Thanksgiving all those years ago when I’d just started blogging.
On the subject of health, thanks to the splendidly loopy Gwyneth Paltrow, I’ve managed to give you any number of tips on vaginal wellness*, courtesy of her advocacy of steam cleaning and inserting jade eggs. This latter practice apparently balances your hormones.
How many false health scares have I told you about? At least 20, because that’s the number of posts that come up on a search where the words ‘health scare’ appears in the title. Who could forget the ‘Aspartame is the faeces of genetically modified E coli.’ That ticked a lot of tinfoil hat boxes. It had everything, didn’t it?
The demon drink has featured on occasion, and the hideous aftermath that can result. The afterburn of a night on tequila was the thing that prompted me to make frequent mention of Mexicans and their incredible hardiness.
I’ve banged on about fad diets at length, mocking them mercilessly in my partwork ‘How to follow the Alphabet Diet,’ but I also pointed out another aspect of weight gain. Cars put on weight as they get older. Actually, there’s been quite a lot about cars full stop, hasn’t there? Especially rally cars in Wales (q.v.)
Quite a bit about animals too. Cats have been a continual inspiration, with more than ten User’s Guides. Latterly, with my introduction to Moses the Wonderdog, canines have been getting a bit more of a sympathetic look in too. Then we had the weirder stuff, such as ‘How not to be killed by a polar bear,’ which was directly responsible for the ‘How to…’ formula I still use. The breathalyser raccoon. The assault with a deadly, and dead, groundhog, not to mention the grouse. Rattlesnake selfies going wrong. Selfies in general have often been given a tongue lashing. As has the habit of photographing your meal.
In recent months, you’ve heard a lot about Wales. I make no apology for this. It’s a place I like, have fond memories of from when I was a child, and now home to somebody important.
The really off the wall stuff still gets hits, and that means somebody/bodies out there are searching ‘How to blow up a toilet.’ They’re also searching ‘How to set fire to your best mate’ Even more disturbingly, they’re searching ‘How to poison your friends.’ Watch your backs, everybody.
And how odd is it to write haiku in the manner of a redneck South Carolina NASCAR driver? I think it’s odd, and I did it.
Seems like only last week I wrote about hitting 2000 posts. It’s been a huge amount of fun**, and you’ve all been very patient.
*I’m using that ironically, by the way.
**For me at least.