I’ve tried before, but this is very very difficult to understand.


Some women make you ‘groan in your kishkas,’ to use a term from A Clockwork Orange. Others will leave you completely unmoved, but others, men or women or both, will be drooling and babbling.

It’s not at all linked to physical attractiveness. That may help, or it may not. I have a very young friend who is not conventionally pretty, but who reduces me to incoherence. Angelina Jolie isn’t beautiful, but she’s sexy. Jodie Foster? She’s sexy, and yes I know she’s gay, but there’s something indefinable about her that makes me go, ‘Yes, I would. In different circumstances.’

There’s a woman who goes in my local. She’s pleasant enough to look at, she’s tallish, not a sylph by any means*, but she is a distraction, and I don’t know why.

I know lots of women who you might describe as pretty or beautiful, but who don’t work for me. They have to beat suitors off with a stick, and I’m not bothered by them. Anne Hathaway should be sexy, because she’s ludicrously pretty, but she’s not sexy. Oddly, I had a friend some years ago who could have come out of the same mould, and she was dangerously sexy.

There are some factors I can recognise. Intelligence. That’s a given; I’ve never had a bimbo as a partner, not once. Clever. That’s important, because it doesn’t always go with intelligence. Talent is sexy too. I know dancers, drama students, artists, rock musicians, all of whom can make me bury my face in my hands and go, ‘Please stop. Make it stop.’ I find sarcasm sexy too.

One of life’s mysteries, eh? The sexiest woman I know is a couple of months older than I am, and she still has it, whatever ‘it’ is.

*That has never bothered me, I’ve had partners of all shapes and sizes.