It’s that time of year when people (not me, though) are desperately thinking what to buy for the male significant other in their lives. Clearly no man in the world, EVER, wanted an apron with a design to look vaguely like female lingerie. Strike that off your list right now.

Fortunately, help is at hand, with any number of ’25 Must Have’ gift lists springing out of the press, and though I said help is at hand, it ain’t. These lists belong on the Goop website.

If you’re a bloke and you like to do a spot of DIY, you can buy your basic toolkit down your local hardware store. A few quid will buy you a hammer, a couple of pairs of pliers, some sort of multipurpose saw. A few more quid will buy you some sort of drilling device and a set of decent drill bits**. You’re ready to rock and roll.

Now I can guarantee that you won’t be bothered if all these basics come in a toolbag made of ‘genuine* harness leather.’ You don’t want that, and if you find out how much your beloved splashed out on this posey frippery you’d go apeshit.

Nor is any bloke going to be too happy to find you spent several hundred pounds on a Heston Blumenthal designer barbecue, despite the ‘elegant legs.’ A few quid will buy you a chuckaway, or twenty will get you a reusable one and a bag of charcoal. It may not have the electric lighting bells and whistles of Blumenthal’s offering, but real men have to make a song and dance about sparking things up. It’s part of the ritual.

I’d be annoyed if somebody bought me a seventeen piece manicure set. I don’t want to look like Wolverine, but a set of clippers (four quid at my local pharmacy) and some emery boards do the job just fine, thanks. If I end up with a bit of grime down my nails, a cocktail stick from my local pub is all I need.

Ding dong bloody merrily on high my arse.

*As opposed to what?

**Do NOT scrimp on these. Cheapo bits will simply untwist at best, or snap at worst. False economy.