I am completely mystified by a foodproduct being advertised on the television currently. The advertisements feature a woman with a stomach-like a washboard, doing the highjump, watched in incredulous amazement and admiration by some guy with a floppy blond haircut. You know how this works.

It is of course an advertisement for a health food. Of course it is. But this is not health food for the masses, is it? What this offers you is an Olympic body without the hard graft.

Let’s start at the top. It’s for a ‘Greek style yogurt.’ What the hell does that mean? I’m not mad about yogurt, but if I am going to eat it, I don’t want ‘style’ I want ‘real.’ If I’m going to eat Greek yogurt, give it to me straight.

‘Straight?’ No, this is whipped for lightness, you’re paying for a lot of air, and air does not seem to be cheap.

‘Creamy, sugar free, and fat free.’ Admirable, and what I might expect of a washboard-stomach woman being worshipped by a floppy-haired beachbum. But here’s the catch, and I think it’s a bad ‘un.

Latest flavour? Gin and tonic flavour. WHAT? That’s cheating if ever I heard cheating. It’s a health food. You sure as hell can’t put gin and tonic in a health food. Which means you’ve loaded up with a sugar free, fat free, full of air yogurt that has to be full of artificial flavours. How do you reconcile that? ‘I want to look like I’m eating healthily, but feel as if I’m hitting the grog!’ I bet you eat meat-free burgers that bleed, and that’s cheating too.

There’s something wrong with the world when you can buy sugar-free, fat-free, yogurt priced at a premium because it’s been whooshed up with free air, and make it taste of G&T. There just is something wrong, badly corrupt.