This really is one of the most ugly bastard of a car ever ‘designed.’

My mate Dave and I were Tesco delivering in the small town of Thaxted. Wasn’t a big drop, no pressure. But as we sauntered back to the van, Dave gestured over the fence to next door’s drive.

‘Fuck me, that’s an ugly fucker. What is it?’

I had a shufti.

‘Must be a Porsche. Porsche only make pig ugly cars. Not sure. I’m guessing a Panamera?’

Dave was quite impressed here. ‘Never heard of that bastard. But fuck me, it’s ugly.’

‘It’s a Porsche. What do you expect? They build them bloody ugly, fuck knows why. Mainly because they’re a Beetle that got trodden on. That would do it.’

Out of idle curiosity we sauntered down the drive. Strictly trespassing, I suppose, but when you’re a delivery driver you don’t give much of a rat’s arse about minor details.

‘Yep, it’s a Panamera, I was right.’

‘Why did they make it look like that? Fuck me, that’s bad.’

‘I guess they wanted to make a proper grownup fourseater that looked a bit like a 911.’

‘But WHY the fuck would you want to do that? Fuck, the 911 looks like a pig. Why grow it up?’

‘Dave, I fortunately wasn’t born and raised in Stuttgart. I can’t explain it. They got it right with the 948. Should have stopped there, I feel.’

Cars tend to be a bit of a guy thing, but all Porsches look as if they had an accident on the way home from the showroom.