OK, my American friends.

It’s still AUGUST.

It’s not September.

It’s certainly not October.

October is when the abomination that is pumpkin spice comes into season.

Pumpkin spice is indeed an abomination. It’s meant to go in pumpkin pie, another abomination that’s so sweet my fillings itch. It certainly has no other place in the world, pumpkin spice, and CERTAINLY has no place in a latte.

If you’re going to drink coffee (and it’s not my cup of tea, as it were) stop sodding about with a latte. Act like a grownup, and skip the whole latte concept. Have a grownup coffee, why don’t you?

Pumpkin spice latte? What are you thinking about? Just have a coffee that makes your hair stand up, maybe with a small splash of milk, FFS. Skip the pumpkin spice thing altogether. You’re not in kindergarten any longer.

In case you coffee drinkers feel snowflaked, chai is an abomination too. Tea needs two things. Tea. Boiling water. No spices. Just tea, hot water. That’s it. The End. I’ve been to China, India, Sri Lanka, and they wouldn’t use chai to wash their socks. They want tea.

Here endeth the lesson.