It’s that time of year again. I’m in my bloody element. There’s no news, apart from thousands dying in a conjured up exercise by that mad bastard in the Kremlin trying to prove Ukraine isn’t a proper state. Eh?

In the absence of hard news, now is the time the print press in particular turn to ‘surveys’ to fill the pages. As you know I love these. It may involve a bit of shooting fish in a barrel, but I sure as hell understand research bias (what do you want to prove?), researcher bias (who will tell me what I need to prove?’), sample bias, reporting bias… I could go on.

It’s that time of year when property owners have their minds turn to home improvements. Fine. But unless your bank account is a bottomless pit of cash, you may have to get your hands dirty a bit. Price you pay, guys (and gals.)

Home improvements store (check out ‘research bias,’ ‘researcher bias,’ above) B&Q came up with a list of the top five tools that people find most scary to use. Me? I’d have chainsaws well up that pecking order. I don’t like them. Scared? Yes, of course I am. Just follow the rules, get your PPE right, GET SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING TO GIVE YOU SOME GUIDANCE. It ain’t hard, but it is a bit risky. I don’t fear chainsaws, I’m just very cautious with them.

Here’s what B&Q found, in order of scariness.

Power drills. Are you kidding me? I could use a power drill before I even went to school! Bugger me I could change a screwed chuck on a drill before infants’ school. I was four when I went to infants’, by the way.

Saws. I’m crap with a handsaw, but they don’t scare me, they humiliate me because I am crap. Electric saws? There’s an ON/OFF switch. Make sure you know where it is. PPE is a must. Goggles are not a sign of weakness. Certainly saved my eyesight when my mega (but not scary) chopsaw hit a really hard knot. That did kick back a bit.

Sanders. Really? I admit a circular sander with a spinning rubber disc can give you some trouble if the abrasive disc wears out and the rubber backing pad gets a grip. A rotary sander? Pussycat. Floor sander? You’re about four feet away.

Staple guns When I was a child at Uncle Donald’s house in Wales, we four children used to have gunfights with these in his workshop. Still, watch your step using one, but they’re not hard to use, and hence not scary.

Utility knives. Like any other knife. A sharp bit at the front. A handle. Don’t get those two mixed up. Use a steel ruler to describe straight lines, and keep your fingertips out of the way.

FFS people, stop being such snowdrops. If I could handle a power drill when I was four years old, I’m sure you can do it now you’re old enough to procreate. And grow a twatty beard if you happen to be of that persuasion.