How to be a right royal pain in the arse

As you’re aware, I was a bit poorly over the weekend and into the early part of the week. I didn’t eat from last Friday until yesterday. Even a glass of water pretty much opened the sluicegates at both ends, so I ended up very tired and badly dehydrated. Not a well bunny.

Yesterday, well Wednesday, because you’ll be reading this on Friday, I was feeling a bit better, to the extent I thought I could risk a trip to the pub for a restorative lemonade, and to sit in the sun and read the newspapers. My local has a pleasant if uninspired deck at the rear, ideal for soaking up some UVs. I was comfortable in the sun, reading the when I became aware of a noise from the carpark that adjoins the decking.

I’m not a fan of gangsta rap. It’s bad enough when it’s blasting out of a hatchback driven by some pimply adolescent in an Abercrombie and Fitch hoody and a reversed baseball cap, where the car is equipped with a set of 18″ subwoofers and an exhaust the size of a dustbin. But you can just about tolerate that, because you go, ‘Aw bless.’ Also they tend to be on the run from the cops, so they do not hang around.

It’s very bad indeed when being played at full volume by a fifty year old in a BMW 5 Series, with the doors open. Talk about arrested development. All I wanted was a quiet time in the sun and this moron was making too much noise.

On the subject of Beemers, I nearly got mown down by one on Thursday morning. I was just about to cross a road at a road junction, and there was a 6 Series coming towards me. Some instinct made me realise that the driver was going to ignore me, and make the turn into the junction without bothering to indicate. This he duly did. As he went past, I yelled, ‘Hey, your indicators don’t work!’ He stopped, had a go with them, and said, ‘They seem to be fine.’ ‘Well bloody well use them then!’ He didn’t like that, but I was bloody irritated, and I suspect it showed.

It may be just me, but I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that BMW drivers are taking over from people in Volvos as the most inconsiderate roadusers of all. Volvo were really bad in the 80s, when the cars were built like tanks and had a million airbags, so the drivers felt impregnable.

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