How to be darling of the tabloids again

The redtops in the UK, having briefly switched allegiance to Mrs Clooney, have welcomed the Duchess of Cambridge back to the fold. Or rather, they have welcomed her bump as they insist on calling it. There was a frenzy of activity when said Princess appeared at a public engagement sporting a barely noticeable sign of pregnancy. She’s been a bit reclusive for the past few weeks, suffering from hyperemesis. My personal view is that any degree of emesis counts as hyper, but with all the fuss about it you’d have thought she was the first woman ever to have morning sickness. Anyway, she’s up and about, to the delight of the press. She’s only 14 weeks pregnant, so we’ve got months more of this to go.

Kate’s talentless younger sister has heaved into sight again too, with the Mail giving an entire half page on Pippa’s tips to maintain a pert derriere. First things first. Her bum isn’t bad, but it’s not that great. I see better in my high street on a daily basis. Then there’s the aspect that anybody taking advice from her is living a bit dangerously. Last year she produced a book on how to organise a party, and this tanked badly. This wasn’t unpredicted, since one of her tips was ‘Disposable plates and cutlery will reduce the need for washing up.’ Then the deathless ‘If you intend to serve soup, you’ll need a good supply of bowls or mugs.’ I appreciate that trying to serve soup in a basket would be problematic, but I reckon nobody needs that sort guidance from some posh bird who has never done a day’s work in her life.

This has all been good news for Renee Zellweger, because the average tabloid reader has the attention span of a gnat, and now she’s dropped off the editorial radar everybody has forgotten about her plastic surgery.

The redtops in the UK, having briefly switched allegiance to Mrs Clooney, have welcomed the Duchess of Cambridge back to the fold. Or rather, they have welcomed her bump as they insist on calling it. There was a frenzy of activity when said Princess appeared at a public engagement sporting a barely noticeable sign of pregnancy. She’s been a bit reclusive for the past few weeks, suffering from hyperemesis. My personal view is that any degree of emesis counts as hyper, but with all the fuss about it you’d have thought she was the first woman ever to have morning sickness. Anyway, she’s up and about, to the delight of the press. She’s only 14 weeks pregnant, so we’ve got months more of this to go.

Kate’s talentless younger sister has heaved into sight again too, with the Mail giving an entire half page on Pippa’s tips to maintain a pert derriere. First things first. Her bum isn’t bad, but it’s not that great. I see better in my high street on a daily basis. Then there’s the aspect that anybody taking advice from her is living a bit dangerously. Last year she produced a book on how to organise a party, and this tanked badly. This wasn’t unpredicted, since one of her tips was ‘Disposable plates and cutlery will reduce the need for washing up.’ Then the deathless ‘If you intend to serve soup, you’ll need a good supply of bowls or mugs.’ I appreciate that trying to serve soup in a basket would be problematic, but I reckon nobody needs that sort guidance from some posh bird who has never done a day’s work in her life.

This has all been good news for Renee Zellweger, because the average tabloid reader has the attention span of a gnat, and now she’s dropped off the editorial radar everybody has forgotten about her plastic surgery.

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