How to be convinced the world has taken leave of its senses

I appreciate this is a recurring theme on my blog, but that’s because there’s a good deal of ineffable stupidity in the world. I can be dumb on occasion, but jeepers so many people can show me how to do dumb properly. Look at Goop if you doubt me.

How does this recipe grab you? Lamb and lentil stew? Sounds OK to me, though I rarely eat meat, but not a bad combo, I’d think. Turkey and quinoa meatballs? I’m deeply suspicious of anything involving quinoa, but I guess you could substitute bulgur wheat* and it might work. Chicken with fennel? I dislike fennel, and it’s a bit poncey sounding, but different strokes for different folks, eh? Beef hash with cabbage and potatoes? That’s a bit more workmanlike, but why the hell you need a recipe to make a beef hash is beyond me, though I suppose there are people who are so badly culinarily challenged they need their hands holding in the kitchen.

So far, so good. Except these recipes aren’t for you, they’re for your dog. Pet recipe books are on-trend right now. They’re really on point.

WTF? Dogs do not have very sophisticated tastes. They eat their own vomit. They eat fox shit. Susan’s dog Moses, aka Lurcherboy, famously once ate a decomposing koi carp he found in an alley. It made him ill, but he ate it. No posing with fennel for him.

There are cat cookbooks too. Sardine omelette anybody? Sounds bloody awful to me, and pointless. Cats want to eat what you’re eating, but aside from that they’re not really adventurous. Get yourself down the butcher’s shop and grab some offal, your cat is going to be OK with that. FFS they eat the heads of mice, as you’ll know if you’ve ever inadvertently trodden on the headless corpse of a small rodent while walking around barefoot in a dark kitchen.

Apparently, one Henrietta Morrison is to blame, and given the insufferable tweeness of her name, I’m not surprised. She kicked things off in 2012 with her book Dinner for Dogs. This tapped into a deep vein of gullibility among people with too much money and bugger all sense. She claimed it’s entirely natural to want to spoil their pets. Pets are ‘an integral part of the family,’ hence serving them home cooked meals is part of the nurturing process.

Gimme a break. Let them eat fox shit. It’s what they like.

By the way, I’d lay odds that the people who buy pet cookbooks are the very people who hire dogwalkers. If you can’t find the time or can’t be arsed to walk your dog properly, don’t buy a dog. They’re not fashion accessories.

Half the world is starving right now, and you’re pratting about with a canine birthday cake with liver, carrots, blueberries and peanut butter. Which the dog will barf up and enjoy all over again.

*I like this stuff. It’s like rice with attitude.