How you might think about bringing back hanging

I’m vigorously opposed to the whole idea of capital punishment, but there are some crimes and misdemeanours that make my eyes roll so hard that I can appreciate that a bit of extreme prejudice might not go amiss.

One of my top gripes is about some dimwit I encounter in the library from time to time. He will insist on telling me what I should write about. He’s in here right now, itching to bend my ear. If he wants to write his own stuff, good luck to him, but that emphatically does not mean he can insist I follow his lead. If I had a patio, there might be a lump under it by now.

Using Facetime or Skype in a public place. This is even more bloody irritating than simply having your phone on speaker for absolutely no sodding reason whatsoever. Really, truly, indefensible, particularly if you’re talking to a screamy brat with impaired hearing.

Talking of brats. If you insist on placating your child in a restaurant by allowing said offspring to play games on their phone or iPad, that’s a double whammy. Firstly, you should be concentrating on them. Secondly, get them to turn off all the beeping and booping and whooshing and banging. There are other people there who don’t have the parental auditory filters that you have.

I really don’t know why you bother putting those vacuous signs in the back window of your car. ‘Baby On Board.’ Really? So what? It’s not going to alter the behaviour of a traffic lout, and it sure isn’t going to alter the behaviour of drivers who are naturally courteous. Until they see this sign, which might just tip them over the edge and turn them into tailgating maniacs.

There’s a worse one than ‘Baby On Board.’ Down my street there’s a car that sports that piece of smugness. What effect is it supposed to have?

On the subject of cars, BMW drivers. They’re always irritating, but at the top of their particular Germanic pecking order are the ones running round in cars with an optional lack of badging. Trust me, I know when you’re going about your trade in a lowly 318 and not a 350. Not badging it to attempt to conceal you have the cooking model just makes you look even more of a loser.

People at gigs who spend the entire time recording it and not watching and listening to what’s going on right now. Definitely a hanging offence.

I suppose hanging may be a bit extreme. Birching though. Now we’re talking.